Lord, move my fingers to the keys you want me to type. Direct my thoughts to the things you want people to hear. Only allow me to speak what you would have me say. Please Lord, move me out of the way so you are seen. Amen.
I have been meaning to sit down and write for a few weeks now but honestly, I've struggled to find the words, that properly convey how I feel. I'm not even sure I know exactly how I feel right now. My emotions are all over the place, all of the time. Some of it, I'm sure, is postpartum hormones but most it is grief and confusion. I've felt like a shell of a human the last few weeks...I am physically present but mentally, for the most part, I'm somewhere else. Even doing the most mundane tasks my mind can run away with thoughts of my girl - what she is now seeing and what she now knows. Its strange to think that she knows so much more than I do, that she has seen Jesus face to face, that He read her name in the Lambs Book of Life, and that He welcomed her into the Kingdom of Heaven.
Losing Sadie has deepened my love for God in ways I could never have imagined. It opened my eyes so much more to the depth of sacrifice God made. God, the Father, sent His son, Jesus, to die so that you and I could be with Him forever in Heaven. My gratitude abounds knowing that because of this sacrifice Sadie is in Heaven and I will see her again. What if God hadn't given Jesus in our place? Sadie, even though she was physically blameless in her short life, was still born into a sinful world and to sinful parents... even she would not get to experience Heaven without Jesus.
Death would be physically unbearable without the hope of Heaven and that promise of God.
Psalm 16 says
" Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”
I say of the holy people who are in the
land, “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
Those who run after other gods will
suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such
gods or take up their names on my lips.
LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in
pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at
your right hand"
He says it right there in His word, "you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, not will you let your faithful one see decay".
When Sadie went to Heaven a piece of my heart went with her. I won't ever get that back. That piece is hers. I am just learning how to function without it, but its a slow process. Some moments are harder than others - there are moments where my sin nature wants so badly to take over and fill me with jealously and bitterness while other thoughts are filled with hope and gratefulness for our 55 minutes with her. I try to refocus when my worldliness surfaces but it's so hard. Satan has so much to beat me up with right now. When I am struggling with Grant, he loves to say "You can't even handle one child...how could you have managed two?" or "Grant will never recover from the hurt you have put him through".
In those moments, I pray out loud...
"Lord, bind Satan! Remove his nasty hurtful thoughts that are trying to tear me down. Remove his grip on my emotions and free from his chains. Only you, Jesus, are allowed to inhabit my thoughts. Amen."
Our situation sucks, our loss hurts, our hearts are broken (as a friend of mine says) "BUT JESUS". Jesus heals, He restores, He comforts, He loves and He knows. I am grateful that He allowed us to know Sadie and that He died so that she could LIVE in Heaven. The depth of Christ's sacrifice is not lost on me.
"Lord, please continue to give me perspective - allow me to see other people's hurt. Allow Sadie's story to minister to others. Allow us to honor her memory, as you would see fit, Lord. Thank you for your goodness and faithfulness. Amen."
