Closing 2018

Today is New Year's Eve, the final day of 2018. 

Man, am I glad about that! This year has been a whirlwind. Some would even classify it as a tornado. A category 5 that came in and wrecked havoc on life as I knew it. This year started out so promising... I remember standing in the hospital room as my sister was about to give birth to my niece thinking, "this will be me sometime this year". I knew it would, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. At that point I had been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for a few months and was finally at the point where it was okay for us to "try" to conceive. It's the strangest sensation, I can remember that moment so vividly, like it was yesterday...but my, how much life we have lived between then and now.

Just 4 short weeks after that day I found out I was expecting. 

10 weeks after that we found out it was a GIRL!!

2 weeks later, we learned that our dream baby girl wouldn't spend more than a few hours on earth. 

16 weeks after that life changing news, at 2:28pm, we gave birth to our gorgeous daughter, Sadie. 

55 minutes later, she entered Heaven's gates.

Less than 24 hours after that, when we should have been leaving the hospital with our new baby, we were handing her our to a coroner.

2 days later, we buried our amazing daughter. I am a Christian so of course I know that Sadie is not in that grave, her soul is with Jesus in Heaven but I also know that her earthly body in is in the ground. In a box. Covered with dirt. That thought haunts me...it's just not right that something so precious and beautiful is under all of that filth. (I'm sure there is a lesson in that statement alone.) 

A month after Sadie's passing we ordered her tombstone. 

A few months later it arrived... I will never forget walking out to see her headstone for the first time. It had just rained so the ground was saturated, my eyes were just the same. . I just remember holding onto Drew's hand for dear life, not ready to see her name on something so final. If it wasn't real before, it definitely was now. My knees weakened when the marker finally came into focus. I could feel the blood rush out of my head and the dizziness start to set in. I surrendered to sitting on the sopping wet ground so that I wouldn't pass out... As I sat there I kept thinking that I should have brought flowers to somehow add beauty to what felt horrific but the truth was, not even flowers could have made that sight easier. 

My fingers pause on the keys of my computer because all I really want to say is "What the heck". Must sound strange to hear but it's true. I am still in utter disbelief that this year held what it did. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine things would turn out the way they have. I want to say I understand it all but I don't. I'm not to that point yet and honestly, I don't know that I ever will be until I meet Jesus and hold my baby girl again. Oh how my heart LONGS for Heaven...Every day. Every single minute. 

2018 has been a year I will never forget. The joy, the pain, the beauty and heartbreak all culminate to create a bigger plan that I might not ever see but I trust that this year was not given to us in vain. I know the Lord is at work. 

2019 starts tomorrow. I am praying that it is infinitely less eventful than 2018 and that the Lord will allow healing and joy for our hearts. Grant is still struggling with being an only child, he wanted Sadie just as bad as the rest of us... Pray for his heart. Pray that God will use past year strengthen his (and my) faith. We look forward to the fresh blooms of Spring.

"If 2019 should look like 2018, we will be faithful, Lord. Amen."

How did we get here & Where do we go from here?

In three days we will have officially lived life for 3 months without Sadie here. It's hard to comprehend that thought, it feels like years since I last held and kissed her. Time has somehow kept moving forward when life feels like it should completely stop. Its such a strange sensation. The busyness of life has distracted me of dwelling on my loss daily but every now and then it will hit me... "How did we get here? Is this really my life? Did that really happen?"  When life seems to slow down, that's when the influx of emotion hits. Most of the time its in my car on my way to or from work. My thoughts shift from this weeks grocery list to the loss of my daughter, it's a sharp curve of emotion that shows up out of nowhere and wrecks me completely.

I find myself starring at my hands remembering that just twelve short weeks ago they held a real baby. Satan wants to me forget that. Satan wants me to forget the way she smelled and the weight of her body in my arms. There are days when it all feels like a bad dream or someone else's story, not my own. I didn't ask for this...We were so excited for a daughter, Lord, why did you allow her to be taken from us? I'll never understand that...I have a mark on my heart that will never go away. Time tends to fade it and lessen it but the scar will always be there.

People have asked, so what comes next for y'all? Are y'all going to try to have another? Truth be told, I have no idea. I have no clue what the Lord has in store for us from here... Am I ready to have another? No. I am still in pieces over my girl...and I will be for awhile. Before we got pregnant with Sadie we said this was our last try (after numerous miscarriages). That whether this pregnancy ended with a baby or another miscarriage we weren't going to try again. We were done. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to give birth to a baby and not be able to bring her home from the hospital. We've contemplated adoption and are completely open if the Lord leads us there but for now, things are quiet on the baby front and I am okay (even happy) with it. My arms long to be filled but my heart is still very much broken and vulnerable, the idea of another loss is overwhelming to me, I am still dealing with Sadie's loss, add another miscarriage to it and I might just lose it. Many of my friends are having their second and third children. I follow their photos on social media and my heart longs for that, not for me, but for Grant. He wanted a sibling so badly, he speaks often of Sadie and still prays and asks God to protect her and take care of her in Heaven. He would have been the best big brother. Until the Lord opens a door we will be here, healing and waiting on what comes next for our family. Sadie will always be a part of us. She has made such a mark on each of our hearts that the idea of moving on without her here is almost unbearable, but somehow, by the grace of God, we will keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where He leads. Please pray for our willingness to follow. 

-Jenny

"When Sadie went to Heaven a piece of my heart went with her...I won't ever get that back. That piece is hers."

Lord, move my fingers to the keys you want me to type. Direct my thoughts to the things you want people to hear. Only allow me to speak what you would have me say. Please Lord, move me out of the way so you are seen. Amen. 

I have been meaning to sit down and write for a few weeks now but honestly, I've struggled to find the words, that properly convey how I feel. I'm not even sure I know exactly how I feel right now. My emotions are all over the place, all of the time. Some of it, I'm sure, is postpartum hormones but most it is grief and confusion. I've felt like a shell of a human the last few weeks...I am physically present but mentally, for the most part, I'm somewhere else. Even doing the most mundane tasks my mind can run away with thoughts of my girl - what she is now seeing and what she now knows. Its strange to think that she knows so much more than I do, that she has seen Jesus face to face, that He read her name in the Lambs Book of Life, and that He welcomed her into the Kingdom of Heaven.


Losing Sadie has deepened my love for God in ways I could never have imagined. It opened my eyes so much more to the depth of sacrifice God made. God, the Father, sent His son, Jesus, to die so that you and I could be with Him forever in Heaven. My gratitude abounds knowing that because of this sacrifice Sadie is in Heaven and I will see her again. What if God hadn't given Jesus in our place? Sadie, even though she was physically blameless in her short life, was still born into a sinful world and to sinful parents... even she would not get to experience Heaven without Jesus.

Death would be physically unbearable without the hope of Heaven and that promise of God.

Psalm 16 says

" Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.  I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”  I say of the holy people who are in the land, “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”  Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips.  LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.  I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand" 

He says it right there in His word, "you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, not will you let your faithful one see decay". 

When Sadie went to Heaven a piece of my heart went with her. I won't ever get that back. That piece is hers. I am just learning how to function without it, but its a slow process. Some moments are harder than others - there are moments where my sin nature wants so badly to take over and fill me with jealously and bitterness while other thoughts are filled with hope and gratefulness for our 55 minutes with her. I try to refocus when my worldliness surfaces but it's so hard. Satan has so much to beat me up with right now.  When I am struggling with Grant, he loves to say "You can't even handle one child...how could you have managed two?" or "Grant will never recover from the hurt you have put him through".

In those moments, I pray out loud...

"Lord, bind Satan! Remove his nasty hurtful thoughts that are trying to tear me down. Remove his grip on my emotions and free from his chains. Only you, Jesus, are allowed to inhabit my thoughts. Amen."

Our situation sucks, our loss hurts, our hearts are broken (as a friend of mine says) "BUT JESUS". Jesus heals, He restores, He comforts, He loves and He knows. I am grateful that He allowed us to know Sadie and that He died so that she could LIVE in Heaven. The depth of Christ's sacrifice is not lost on me. 

"Lord, please continue to give me perspective - allow me to see other people's hurt. Allow Sadie's story to minister to others. Allow us to honor her memory, as you would see fit, Lord. Thank you for your goodness and faithfulness. Amen."

 

Two Weeks Postpartum

Yesterday marked two weeks since my sweet Sadie was born. I started to write a blog post yesterday but the words just weren't coming. I have no idea what to write even now... These past two weeks have been hard. I won't sugar coat things, they've sucked. There is no other word, when something like this happens, it just sucks.

Drew and I have clung tightly to each other these past few weeks. His work has been so supportive and allowed him time off as well as the ability to work from home to be with me. Thank you Lord, because I cry every time he leaves; even if it is just for an hour to run to the store. Some of that is hormones but most of it is I just want him around. My love for him has grown more than I could have ever imagined. Honestly, I didn't think I could love him anymore until I saw how he loved our baby girl. The way he held her and kissed her, even after she left her earthly body...it was pure and perfect just like a father's love should be. My heart could burst even now just thinking about it.

Grant has handled the loss as well as a four year old should. For the first few days he would ask if she was coming back or if we could go visit her in Heaven - man, how I wish that was possible. He understands the situation pretty well now and his questions have turned from emotional to more factual. For example, when he sees me cry, he will ask "Are you crying because Sadie is dead?". That blatant question just about kills me every time...his sweet little voice speaking such harsh words such as death. One instance in particular when he asked I responded "Yes, buddy. I miss her. Do you miss her?". He said "No... because if she was here, she could get hurt...she can't get hurt in Heaven."

Obviously, I lost it again. I was a bucket of tears at that point. The profound yet simple words of my four year old sparked gratefulness in my heart. Gratefulness seems like such a strange emotion to feel after the loss of a child... I'm not grateful she's gone. I miss her immensely and my heart and hands ache for her but knowing Christ means that I can be grateful to know that she isn't dead. She's more alive today in Heaven than she ever was in her 55 minutes here on earth. I love to imagine what she must be doing this very second in Heaven - is she playing, singing praises, sitting in awe of her Savior? Everything good and perfect. She never has to experience pain or sadness. That makes my mommy-heart rest a little easier.

As far as physical recovery, my body feels normal. That's been such a surreal feeling this time around because with Grant I was in pain for a few weeks. Because of this, I find myself forgetting its only been 15 days since I had her, it feels like years have passed since I last held her, yet the emotions remind me of how fresh it all still is.

I don't have "good days and bad days", each day has its own amount of good and bad, so we just take each minute as it comes and do our best to keep moving forward as best as we can. Your prayers have meant so much to us and have carried us to where we are now. Please keep them coming. I can't imagine having to go through this without knowing Jesus and without having the support system we have. It would be impossible.

Jenny

Sadie's Birth Story

I have been meaning to sit down and write Sadie's birth story for a few days now but just hadn't built up the strength emotionally to relive everything until now. Honestly, am I ready to relive it all right now? No. But I am afraid I'm going to forget details of that day so I'm forcing myself to sit down and write.

We had been in the hospital for a week already trying to hold off labor until our doctor got back into town. I had been on a constant Magnesium Sulfate IV as well as taking Procardia by mouth to hopefully stop the contractions. Given Sadie's condition we knew postponing her birth wouldn't change the outcome but we hoped it would give us a little more time with her once she was born. Unfortunately, the medicine only slowed the contractions down and each time they would turn the medicine down they would pick back up again. The doctors told us I would be fine on the Magnesium for a week but any longer and it could become toxic to my body so we decided once my doctor got back into town we would turn off all medication and let my body run its course.

At 6am on Monday, August 6, 2018 we turned off all medication to prevent labor and my body immediately began contracting increasingly stronger and stronger. It began to hit me that this was going to be the day we met and most likely would say goodbye to our baby girl. The doctor came in to talk about our options... He explained that if I was dilated to at least 3centimeters it would be best to go ahead and break my water to allow things to progress easier than just starting Pitocin. When he checked me I was already dilated to 3 centimeters and was 100% effaced so we went ahead and broke my water at 8:30am. To preface this, I was carrying a lot of extra fluid with Sadie. (The normal range of fluid at 31 weeks is between 11-21cm...I was at 31cm of fluid.) The fluid wasn't harmful to her at all but the danger of carrying that much fluid is preterm labor due to your body thinking its further along than you really are - which mine did. I was handling things pretty well until the sack burst. My water broke on it's own with Grant so it wasn't the feeling of my water breaking that made me lose it but the overwhelming realization that this is really happening. There is no going back at this point. The day that I had feared for months was here sooner than I could have ever imagined. Two full months sooner to be exact.

Things began to progress extremely fast once my water broke. By 2:00pm I was dilated to 9cm. My doctor told us that he was going to zip over to his office to see some patients and that whe'd be back over soon to check me again. (His office is just across the parking lot from the hospital so he is easily able to get back and forth between managing the patients in his office and births at the hospital.)  Just as he said that it began to rain...and when I say rain, I don't mean sprinkle. I'm talking the bottom fell out! Drew looked out the window and said to Dr. G "you sure you want to walk back over right now?". Our doctor said, "oh man, you're right, I'll just hang out for about 5 minutes here and see if it lets up." Not three minutes after he left the room I began feeling immense pressure, so I asked Drew to grab and nurse and have her check me again. (Note: This was literally about 4 minutes after our doctor had JUST checked.) Dr. G ended up coming right back in but when he checked me this time I was at 10cm and the baby right there. The nurses came rushing in and began setting up the room for birth. We had asked Drew's dad, Gary, our pastor to come in and pray over the delivery and for God's peace to fill the room. Our family gathered around my hospital bed, nurses held our hands, and our doctor got on his knees down to ask God for His protection and His mercy over Sadie's birth and life. It is SUCH a blessing to have a doctor that loves the Lord and love his patients.

When the prayer was over our dads took Grant next door to a special room the nurses set up for our family to wait in while we labored. My sister, Erin, and our moms all were able to stay in the room for Sadie's birth. I started pushing at 2:23pm and 3 contractions later, at 2:28pm, Sadie Hampton Ladd was born. 3lbs 6oz and 12 inches long. While I labored the nurses kept a monitor on me to track Sadie's heart rate but they turned off the volume on her heartbeat in case something happened in utero and she was stillborn. So when she was born I honestly had no idea if she was alive or not. The room was silent. Sadie never let out a single cry but she was very much alive. Our doctor later told us that as he was watching the monitor he was praying so hard that she would be born alive because her heart rate was slowing and was becoming concerning at times.  When she first came out, Drew and the doctor were the only ones who got to see, but her eyes were open. She kept them shut the rest of our time with her... I love to think that when she opened her eyes again the first thing she saw was Jesus.

Once the nurses got me all covered up we had the dad's come in and bring Grant to meet his baby sister. He was so thrilled to meet her...he kept asking when we would get to bring her home. That was honestly the hardest part to me was having to explain to our four year old that his baby sister who is alive and right in front of him, would soon pass away and would not be able to come home. He began crying and asking "why does she have to die? I don't want her to die"... I told him, I didn't know and that I didn't want her to die either. Somethings just don't make sense no matter how old we are and this was one of them.  I did my best to encourage him to enjoy her while she was here but it was easier said than done because we all knew it wouldn't be long.

I wanted so badly for Drew to be able to hold her alive. Thankfully, God allowed that to happen. He held her so tight, he kissed her lips and he cried tears of joy and mourning for his baby girl. About 30 minutes after she was born we became worried that she had passed so we asked the nurse to listen to her heart. After listening for what felt like an eternity the nurse nodded and said "she still has a heartbeat but it's only at about 30 beats per minute". I cannot explain the sigh of relief I had in that moment. She was still hanging on. Grant, my mom, Drew's mom and my sister were all able to hold Sadie while she was alive. What a blessing that was. We knew her time was limited so when I say they "held" her, they literally held long enough to kiss her check, give her a hug and pass her directly to the next person then straight back to me. They didn't want to take away from our time with her but we wanted them to get the chance so we insisted they hold her, even if it was only for a brief second. Sadie Hampton passed away in my arms, holding her daddies hand, just minutes later at 3:23pm.

The hours that followed were spent just holding our baby girl. Kissing her and weeping over her. The hospital wheeled in the CuddleCot that our church so graciously donated to the hospital in Sadie's honor. The CuddleCot is a bassinet that is designed specifically for still births and infant deaths - it is built to keep the baby cool so that they can remain in the room with the family instead of having to be taken away so soon after they are born. It helps the baby not change to quickly postmortem. To be 100% transparent I really wasn't sure how I would feel about her being with us after she passed away. Would I be scared to hold her or touch her? How would her skin feel? These were questions that i struggled with but I will tell you, once she passed away, so did my worries. The Lord just overwhelmed my heart with peace and love for her. I didn't want to set her down. I held her as much as I could while giving her time in her bassinet to keep cool. Its hard to feel your baby turn so cold. I found myself wrapping her up in blankets trying to warm her up. I guess its the same reason why when I held her I would bounce her or rock her... my head knew she wasn't in there but my heart needed to "mother" her. Sadie was able to stay with us throughout the night in her bassinet which laid right next to my hospital bed. Instead of sleeping on the couch, Drew slept in the hospital bed. I use the word "slept" lightly... We cried ourselves to sleep just holding each other and wishing things had turned out differently. Neither one of us slept more than about 2 hours that night, mostly because we knew that when morning came we would have to say goodbye to our baby's earthly body.

The next day was excruciating. Drew, his dad Gary and my dad, Gary, went to the cemetery to choose a plot for our baby girl and sign the papers that allowed the coroner to come and take her. He said that part was impossibly hard and that he did his best to not lose it completely in the funeral home. He was gone for about 2.5 hours that morning so when he left my sister and our moms came up to keep me company. When he got back we spent the hour saying our goodbyes. None of us wanted to give her body up...even after she had passed her little body was still so perfect. Her face was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen. Her skin was still as soft as ever and her hands felt as if no time had passed. The coroner arrived around noon to take her body... thankfully we never had to see him. He stayed in the hallway and the nurse said once we were ready to call her and she could carry her body out to him... I can't think of anything harder than handing your baby over knowing you won't get to see her again this side of Heaven. As I held her I could feel my grip getting tighter and tighter. It was Jesus speaking because the words to a worship song kept playing in my head, not the entire song, but one line... "Pry our fingers from the earthly, Oh let us love your glory...Everything in ours in You.... Pry our fingers from the earthly, Oh let us love your glory...Everything in ours in You." Literally the words were on repeat in my mind. It took every ounce of strength I had to pry my fingers from my baby girl and hand her to the nurse. Our nurse cried with us and assured us that Jesus was the one holding Sadie at that moment not her. I was so grateful for our amazing nurses and doctor who know and love Jesus and were so open to pray with us, cry with us and just love on us the best they could. I can't imagine things being as peaceful as they were without them.

Once the nurse took Sadie we began getting things packed up to head home... I was so afraid of how it would feel to leave the hospital empty handed. I had built the moment up in my mind and it was going to be impossibly hard...but it wasn't. I was overcome with peace. I didn't mind leaving the hospital because my baby wasn't there anymore, her spirit nor her body were in that hospital. I am so grateful for a Savior that has prepared a place in Heaven for my Sadie girl. I know her body is whole and perfect and that she is dancing and singing praise to Jesus right this second. We prayed so hard in the months leading up to Sadie's birth for a miracle, for miraculous healing. We might not have gotten our miracle here on earth but our baby is healed in Heaven and her life no matter how short will not be forgotten. God has called Drew and I to a new mission field, to share our scars and our pain of losing our Sadie to help other people going through this same pain and heartbreak. I pray we honor God with how we move forward in remembering our daughter and sharing her testimony.

A few photos - Sadie Hampton 8-6-2018

Our daughter, Sadie Hampton Ladd, was born on August 6, 2018 at 2:28pm and went to be with her Savior at 3:23pm. She was 3lbs 6oz and 12 inches long. 

I will post her birth story soon but for now I wanted to share a few images captured from Sadie’s birth. Please understand these are not just photos to me, these are treasures - priceless memories from our short time with our baby girl. 

Hospital Update: 31 weeks

Hi Friends,

I wanted to hop on and share a brief update. You all have been so amazing to reach out with your words of encouragement and offering of prayer. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing group of people that genuinely share and feel our hurt. Thank you.

This past Monday (July 30, 2018) while were enjoying lunch at Chick-Fil-A with some girlfriends I began to have some contractions. I didn't think much of them since they weren't too painful and were easy to ignore while chatting with the girls. After about an hour I had counted about 15 contractions so I decided it was time to text my doctor and get his opinion. He suggested I go straight to Labor and Delivery but I was sure this wasn't anything to get "worked up" over so I asked if I could just come in for a quick office visit instead. Once I got to my OBGYN's office they hooked me up to a monitor and within 4 minutes I had three contractions -- so I was sent directly over to the hospital.

When I got to triage in L&D they whisked me into a room to get things checked out. I was 2 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced while my contractions were toppling over each other, I was absolutely in preterm labor. I will admit that this next hour of my life was one of the most terrifying... for the first time it felt real. Like the day that I have been fearing the most was upon us WAY sooner than we could have ever imagined. Since I am only 31 weeks the Neonatologist's have explained that if Sadie should come now that there is a very real chance she would be stillborn or if she is born alive that we would be looking at mere minutes with her. We all understand her prognosis will not be good no matter what gestation she is born, but if we are able to keep her inside just a few more weeks it would possibly give us more time with her so that is the route we are on now.

As of  now, our doctors have been able to slow the contractions down a bit but have not been able to completely stop them. They have asked that we stay in the hospital through the weekend to see if they can get the contractions manageable enough on oral medication so that we could head home but if they aren't able to get them under control by Sunday we will just have to let my body go ahead and deliver.

So we wait... we have no idea what the next week, day or even hour will hold. We humbly ask for your continued prayers. I have become very aware of how little control I really have lately... For someone who likes to be in charge this isn't the most enjoyable feeling but I am learning to fully rely on God and allow Him to carry us through all of this.

30 Week Appointment Update 7-21-2018

 First of all, please let me apologize for being so late to update you on our latest specialist appointment. You all have been so sweet to reach out in concern for our family; it truly means the world to us! Thank you!

This past Friday we met with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and then a Neonatologist that works for the children's Hospital. The first hour was spent doing an in depth ultrasound. The technician was precious and took her time getting us the most perfect 3D pictures of Sadie's face!

Isn't she gorgeous? I am so grateful we have these photos of our girl!

Once the ultrasound was over the doctor came in an explained that Sadie's arms and legs have essentially stopped growing and are still measuring 18-19 weeks which is the same size they were at our last appointment three weeks ago. Her head and stomach are measuring on track at 30 weeks but the issue of her chest size still remains and unfortunately isn't getting any better. Her heart is growing at a normal rate but the bones in her chest are still extremely small. Since there is no room for expansion in her little chest, her heart and lungs are constricted which won't allow her to breathe on her own outside of my womb. 

People have asked me "can't they just expand her chest so that she her heart and lungs have more room" but unfortunately its not that simple. I so wish it was... The doctors have explained to us that even if they were to break and expand her chest plate it wouldn't help her in the long run because its only a temporary fix. 

After we met with our MFM doctor we were introduced to the Neonatologist. She was so kind and understanding of our situation. When she spoke to us it was with genuine concern and sentiment for what we were going through; I was so grateful for that. She explained to us that there isn't much they can do for Sadie once she's born - the most they could do is put her on a ventalator to prolong our time with her. Of course, our next question was "How much time do you think we will get to spend with her alive without major intervention?". She said she was unsure but it could be anywhere from minutes to several hours. 9 months carrying her in my womb and mere minutes in our arms. I am not ready for what's coming. 

Delivery day seems so far away but the reality of it is as each day passes we are another day closer to the birth and potential death of our only daughter. I get extremely overwhelmed imagining how that day is going to look... how it will feel leaving the hospital with empty arms...how the recovery will be even harder in every way...physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm going to be honest and tell you that when Drew and I began talking about trying to have another baby after our last miscarriage this wasn't even on our radar. We were bracing ourselves for another miscarriage or bringing home a new baby... it was black and white. This gray area we are in has me shaken to the core. Don't get me wrong, my faith isn't shaken but my outlook on life has shifted completely.

Life isn't about presenting your best self to show the world how "perfect" YOU are..it's about showing and sharing your scars to show how "human" we are and how much we ALL need a Savior. 

July 3, 2018 - The 3rd Trimester

In the first trimester of pregnancy the weeks seem to drag on...it seems to take an eternity to get to each gestational milestone. To me, week 8 is the first big milestone because by then the nausea has set in and you are actually starting to show visible signs of pregnancy. Week 13 marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester and week 20 says your half way through! Week 24 is exciting because it means your baby has a good chance of surviving outside of the womb! Week 28 begins the 3rd trimester and the final milestone, your due date means the baby is coming!

This week marks one of the final milestones in my pregnancy; the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I am trying to find joy in the occasion but realistically it is just a reminder that the inevitable is coming sooner than I care to admit. At this point in my pregnancy with Grant our home was overcome with baby items! I had already started stock piling diapers in the guest closet and amazon packages were arriving almost daily with more and more baby gear. I suppose some would call it first-time mom excitement but I would call it prepared; I wanted to be as ready as I could be for our new addition. I read books on birth and how to train newborns to sleep, never in my wildest dreams did I think this pregnancy would be any different. Somehow I have found myself here, reading about skeletal dyspasia's and how to prepare for neonatal mortality. The line between the happy and vibrate side of life to the darkest of days seems unbearably thin.

Drew tells me I should give myself a break and not read these types of things but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to find myself blindsided when the day comes. I would much rather be as ready as I can be now for the worst possible situation and pray the best will happen than be prepared for the best and have the worst happen. My heart couldn't take it.

The emotional ups and downs of this road are beyond anything I can explain... one second I can be walking along, smiling, singing and just thanking God for our blessings and literally a millisecond later I am crying my eyes out because I just can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is happening to me...to us...to my little boy who wants a sibling more than anything in this world... I don't tell you this so you will feel sorry for me. Truly that is the last thing I want. I am just in need of grace right now because I feel like I am barely keeping afloat some days. Just yesterday I was walking the isles of Kroger crying my eyes out on the phone with my mom about how to guard Grant's heart from the pain of this...I can't stand the thought that this will shatter his little heart, that this might make him question God if He chooses not to heal Sadie the way we have been praying He would. I was trying to speak quietly and hide my tears but people could tell I was upset and they couldn't help but stare. The grief and stress of it all hits me at the most random and inopportune times, like the frozen foods section of my local grocery store...

I feel like I am walking on paper thin ice, like at any moment the weight of it all will become too much and the ground will crumble from beneath me. I have begged God to give me a glimpse of the next few months...what will happen when the day comes for Sadie to be born? Will we have an hour with her? A day? A lifetime?

Please Lord, just show me... I can handle it, whatever it is, I just need to know.

After I prayed this, the Lord answered me very clearly by an illustration given by Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place. When she was a child she had asked her father numerous hard questions, some of which the answers were too much for her young ears. Her father responded by asking Corrie to pick up a large suitcase and carry it over to him. She tried to lift it but it was too heavy for her, so she responded "Daddy, I can't carry it, its too heavy and I don't have the strength to lift it". He said "Exactly. Just like it would be wrong of me to ask you to carry such a heavy suitcase, it would be wrong for me to give you the answers to things you aren't ready to hear. When you become old and stronger, you will be able to carry more on your own, but for now, let me carry the things that are too much for you."

Profound. I am not strong enough to face what is coming in the next few months on my own. God is protecting my heart by not allowing me to know exactly what to expect. He is carrying my suitcase for me because I am too weak to lift it on my own.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace and strength. I could not take another day, another step or even another breathe without it. Get me through these next few months, Lord. Allow me to stand firm in your word and not be afraid of the valley of the shadow of death because God you will never leave my side. Amen.

Difficult News - June 29, 2018

June 29, 2018 - I'm trying to find a way to begin this post without using the words "I'm not sure where to begin..." but I truthfully don't know where to begin. Today was hard. That's all there is too it.

I woke up crying, honestly at the time I was unsure why...could be stress, anxiety, fear...I was feeling all of those emotions. When I walked into the closet where Drew was getting dressed I all but collapsed into his arms. He asked why I was upset and without thinking, the words "I think we are going to get bad news today"  fell out of my mouth. (To preface this, I felt strongly that we were going to get more clarity at this appointment.  I had told numerous people, within the past week, that I felt like this particular appointment would give us a better understanding of what was really going on, not for any reason in particular, I just had a feeling...) I never felt like it was going to be bad news until the words spilled out of my mouth. It was like the Lord was preparing my heart for the coming hours.

The doctors office was running behind today so unlike our previous appointments we were left waiting for 45 minutes past our appointment time. With every second that passed I could feel myself growing more and more angry. I wasn't really mad about the wait...I was mad that I had to be there at all. I was mad that this is our lot. That this nightmare isn't something I can just wake up from. By the time our turn rolled around I was in tears and mentally just trying to brace myself. For what, I wasn't sure...but I could feel that something was coming.

The ultrasound technician was thorough and took her time allowing us to soak up as much of our girl as we could. We got to hear her heartbeat, see her gorgeous face in 3D and even got a glimpse of her spunky personality by the way she kept kicking the scanner. Once the ultrasound was finished the tech submitted her report and told us that the doctor would need to look over it and would be in shortly to discuss the findings.

When the doctor came in she explained that Sadie's long bones (femur and humerus) were still measuring below the 5% percentile, so even though I am over 26 weeks, her leg and arm bones are measuring around 18 weeks (all of this we knew already from previous appointments). Then she began to speak a little softer and her whole demeanor just seemed to change as she explained that Sadie's chest wasn't growing at the rate they need it to...and they are afraid her form of Dysplasia will be lethal to her shortly after birth. The doctor showed us Sadie's heart and lungs (which are growing at a normal rate) in relation to her chest bones, and explained that her bones are dwarfed and eventually her organs will run out of room and without having the ability for her lungs to fully expanded, she will not be able to breathe on her own.

That was it. That was the information I was afraid of...yet I felt was coming...

My mind began racing and my heart became immensely heavy...how do I do this, Lord? I am not strong enough. I should be planning a nursery not a funeral... Jesus, please come soon. My thoughts have changed from thinking/planning weeks or months ahead to honestly just putting one foot in front of the other right now. I am not ready to face letting her go (if that is God's will), so for now, I am cherishing every kick or movement she makes because today, she is alive.

Please do not get me wrong, I absolutely believe and trust that God can snap His fingers and heal her in an instant. We are very much praying for a miracle, but if our miracle doesn't come in the way we would hope...He is still good and He is still God.

Even So Lord, It is Well.

Daily Struggles 6-9-2018

I'm not sure where exactly to begin...I didn't feel like getting online and writing this today but if being 100% raw and sharing my heart through this blog can possibly help someone else going through the same thing, than it is worth it.

This week I am 24 weeks pregnant. Viability week. This week is a major milestone in pregnancy because it is the week that doctors say is the earliest a baby can be born and have a decent chance of survival. I remember the relief I felt when I hit 24 weeks pregnant with Grant. Virtually all fear had subsided and I was basking in the last few months of my pregnancy, very unlike what I am feeling currently.

As each week passes I am reminded that the day is coming...the day I will give birth to our girl. I wish I knew what that day was going to look like...right now everything is up in the air. Will she be still born? Will we get to spend a few minutes/hours/days with her? Will this end up being something she can live with? None of these things we know for sure yet...hopefully as our pregnancy progresses those answers will become more clear. As of now, the 3 types of Dysplasia they are most concerned about show a life expectancy of 24 hours...How do you prepare for that? How do you let you heart become okay with knowing this baby you've already fallen in love with will be stripped away from you? It makes each new week more painful than the last. I am trying so hard to enjoy her while I have her and not worry or stress about the future but I'm human. My mind wonders. FAR. Fear sets in and I allow Satan to beat me up. Satan loves that I'm mad...he loves that I am scared...he loves that I feel guilt and worry.

Trust me, I know all of these things are not from God, in His word He has promised me He won't ever leave me nor forsake me and that His plan is greater than mine. But y'all...this road wasn't in my plan...and I don't want to have to walk it. I have told Jesus that, I have yelled at Him with tears pouring down my face...WHY!!!! What good can come of this!! Don't you know my heart?! Haven't you heard my prayers, Lord?!

With tears in their eyes, each doctor we have seen has given us the option to induce labor early... to end her life because we know that the outlook isn't good. My human sin-nature side says that would make today easier...then no one would come up to me in the grocery store and ask how far along I am...if I'm excited to have a daughter...how we plan to decorate the nursery or if we are prepared to lose sleep again having a newborn in the house. I wouldn't have to fight back the tears long enough to nod my head and hurry down the isle before they saw me lose it because I didn't feel like explaining our situation with a complete stranger. This side of Heaven, it would be easier. But Christ never said our lives in Him would be easy...

I have to surrender her life (and mine) to the Lord every. single. day. because I cannot handle this on my own.  It's too much...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Thankfully, there are some days that are easier than others; the busy days where we go-go-go all day and don't come up for air, those days are distracting and good, exhausting, but good. Then there are days where I've literally cried (on my knees bawling) over spilled milk because I just couldn't take one more thing going wrong. Thankfully, Drew is sensitive to my emotions right now and steps in with paper towels and hugs often. He is such an amazing support and so strong through all of this I sometimes forget he is going through it too. It's so easy to slip into a selfish "poor me" mindset right now. I have had so many people comment "you are so brave/strong/etc" but I promise, I'M NOT...I am so far from it. I share my struggles on this blog not so that you'll feel sorry for us (at all) but so that God can be glorified and people might come to Him for strength in their own times of hurt and need. I pray that the Lord uses Sadie is such a huge way. I pray her life will honor God and further the Kingdom of Heaven more than I can even imagine! I pray that as her mom I honor her and God by openly sharing our story.

Follow Up Appointment & CT Results June 1, 2018

Hey There,

I wish I had better news to share...unfortunately, our follow up didn't give much new information. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor brought in a specialist that has studied Skeletal Dysplasia cases for the past 30+ years to review the CT scan and our ultrasound today to hopefully give a firm diagnosis. The specialist explained that Sadie definitely has some type of Skeletal Dysplasia, that they know for certain, but they aren't able to pinpoint exactly which type she has because she is presenting symptoms for numerous forms.

They are still unable to tell us for sure whether she will survive outside of the womb, but from what they are seeing, if she does, she will not ever have normal leg or arm function and will be wheelchair bound. (This is due to the lack of calcification in the bones of her spine and hips; as well as club foot - the doctor explained that her club foot is so severe that the top of her foot actually touches her shin...y'all this BROKE my heart). As of today, her heart, brains and lungs look normal which is great news, but if her chest growth slows and doesn't form properly her chest will not have room to support her lungs which can be fatal to her.

We left feeling overwhelmed and confused... we were really hoping this CT would provide more clarity and at least allow us to mentally prepare for what we will be facing in the coming months. I will not lie to you and say this is easy y'all. I have cried all day... cried over my girl...cried over how this will affect Grant...cried over the things mean people will say about her. I'm human and I cannot comprehend why this is happening to us or how this could possibly be used for good, but I'm learning to trust without understanding.Drew and I are both mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED but we are leaning on God, each other and your prayers for endurance.

~Jenny

CT Scan - May 31, 2018

Friends and Family,

Thank you dearly for your continued prayer and encouragement for our family! Drew and I have received more calls and texts than we can count saying you are praying for our sweet Sadie. She is already so loved and blessed by you; words cannot express our gratitude for that!

I wish I could sit down with each of you individually and share everything we have learned so far but due to the outpouring of love and support, there are just too many of you and there just isn't enough time... (what a blessing!)

Today we had a fetal CT scan at Children's Memorial Hermann Downtown. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor initially suggested an MRI but after speaking with other fetal specialists, they, as a team, felt that a CT scan would give a more accurate picture. We were instructed to check-in at my MFM doctor's office first. The radiologist did a very brief (less than 5 minute) ultrasound to see exactly where my uterus started and stopped and then used metal stickers to clearly define where the scan should be targeted. The scan itself took less than 15 seconds once I was positioned on the table. Modern medicine still blows my mind...the idea that a machine can draw a complete 3D picture of every bone in my unborn baby's body amazes me!

As far as CT results go...we have our follow up appointment tomorrow June 1, 2018 at 1:00pm. At this appointment our MFM doctors will do yet another in depth ultrasound (no complaints here, I love seeing my baby girl so often!!), sit down with our team of doctors and share the findings from the CT scan! Numerous people have asked me "Why do this testing? Is it going to change your mind about continuing the pregnancy?" The answer? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Our doctors have been wonderful to respect our wishes to carry this baby for as long as the Lord allows us to! The reason for the testing is so that the doctors know how to move forward with her care. We are unsure whether or not she will make it to birth but if she does, the doctors need to know how to treat her and be able to form a treatment plan and team to give her the best chance of survival!

The road ahead is long, unknown and quite scary. As I was talking with a friend at church on Sunday I was whining that I HATE not knowing what tomorrow will look like for our Sadie, what the next 5 years will look like for our family...She just smiled and said "None of us are promised tomorrow...no one knows what life holds..." It was a "should have had a V8" moment...Of course we don't...I know that...But this wasn't in MY plan! I took a step back and noticed that what I was mad about was the loss of my false sense of control. Any control we think we have is false... You can plan your life or even the next hour of your life...but its not guaranteed. I was grateful for the gentle reminder that God is in ultimate control...my grip is loosened and my hands are open.

"the LORD gives, and the LORD takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

~Jenny

Sadie's Story

First of all, thank you for being here. The Lord impressed upon my heart to start this blog not only as a means to easily share updates and prayer needs but as a testimony of our baby’s life. I pray that this site will be a ministry and that God will use Sadie’s story to further His Kingdom!

So, let’s start at the very beginning. Hi, I'm Jenny. I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Sadie Hampton. My husband, Drew, and I have been married for 6 years and have an almost 4 year old son, Grant. We have had 3 miscarriages in the past (one before Grant, and two after). After our 3rd miscarriage we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to get more answers as to why this kept happening to us. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and given medication to help my body be able to sustain a pregnancy. After a few weeks on 1000mg of Metformin, I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully, everything seemed to be going really well, so at 14 weeks we announced our pregnancy to the world via social media. Just a few weeks later we had our 16 week ultrasound where we were told we were expecting a little girl. At that appointment we were told her femur was measuring a little small but it was still on track so nothing to be concerned with. Or so we thought...

This brings us to where we are now...
May 3, 2018 - (18 weeks and 2 days pregnant) I went into my doctors office for a little spotting. It wasn't too frightening because I had experienced spotting when I was pregnant with Grant, but for my own peace of mind I decided an ultrasound would make me feel better since I hadn't felt her kick yet. My doctor was out of the office so they scheduled me for an ultrasound and nurse visit. When they turned on the ultrasound machine I could immediately see her moving around and all fear was gone. I had noticed that the tech was taking a little longer than normal. She measured the babies femur at least 4 times. Each measurement came back about 4 weeks behind where it should have been.  After she was through with the scan, she asked if I was scheduled to see a doctor, I replied no, that today was only supposed to be a nurse visit. She said "Okay, I'm going to see if there is another doctor that can speak with you..." This was my first inclination something wasn't quite right. I immediately felt more concerned than when I went in. The nurse came in and explained that my doctor was out of town but that she had another doctor look and he doesn't see anything wrong with the bleeding... She said nothing of the measurements. When I asked, she would only respond with "I'm going to have Dr. G call you in the morning." or "Your doctor will be able to give you more information...". Believe me, I know this is how she is required to respond but at that point I KNEW something wasn't right and I wanted to know what it was! When I got in my car I began googling to see what these particular measurements could mean...most of what I was finding was Trisomy 13,18 and 21. Of course my heart wasn't prepared for any of these but I had become okay with the thought of our baby having Down Syndrome, as long as it wasn't lethal like the other two...

The next morning (Friday, May 4, 2018) at 8:15am while eating breakfast at Chick-Fil-A with some friends the doctor called from his cell phone.  He explained that the baby's femur and humerus measurements were weeks behind where they needed to be and that he wanted me to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. He then explained that he had already set an appointment that same day 9:45am because he didn't think I needed to go through the weekend wondering what was going on. Thankfully, Drew and his mom, Brenda, were able to meet me at the doctor's office. Little did I know the next hour of my life would be the worst yet. They did an ultrasound first, it took about an hour...I noticed the technician measuring and remeasuring the same bones they were worried about the day before. We could see on the screen that things didn't look exactly right...but at this point we still had no idea what was in store. After what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in. She was so soft spoken and kind. She began asking if anyone in our family had any birth defects or mental retardation. I began sobbing. She told us that the baby's bones were not developing properly and that she had a form a Skeletal Dysplasia. I began asking what that meant and how that would affect her into childhood. She gently put her hand on my knee and softly explained that the type our baby is presenting would likely take her life before she is born, and if she does make it to birth, she won't likely live for more than a few hours. I squeezed Drew's hand with what little strength I had left. He held on tightly as if to say, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here and we will get through this.  The hours that followed were a complete blur...we met with a genetic counselor that went over additional testing we needed to have done, we called family, but mostly we wept together over the life of our girl.

We want nothing more than to have her here with us on earth, to watch her grow up, to take her to ballet lessons, to watch her walk down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams, and watch her become a mother herself but the Lord has made clear to us that He has other plans. We still don't know what lies ahead. Even day to day, how things will change, but we are praying for grace and strength to take each day as it comes. We ask for your prayers...prayers for healing for our girl. We know that God is the great physician and that with one breath He can restore our baby here on earth, but we also know that He may choose to ultimately heal her by taking her to Heaven. We are accepting His will. Its hard to comprehend at times like this but God loves her even more than Drew and I, and if her heavenly father decides to bring her home to glory, than we know that there is a purpose in that as well. God has big plans for her life, no matter how long or short it is.

As I mourn, the words of the old hymn It is Well replay in my mind, "Whatever my lot, Thou hast  taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." It is so hard to surrender control and say "Whatever my lot"...whatever I have, whatever comes my way You, Jesus, have taught me to say, it is well with my soul. I am not fully there yet but I am working to get there, I want the Lord to be honored with how we, as a family, choose to respond to this devastation in our life. Jesus is a God of restoration and I know in His timing He will bring beauty from these ashes.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul."

Jenny