30 Week Appointment Update 7-21-2018

 First of all, please let me apologize for being so late to update you on our latest specialist appointment. You all have been so sweet to reach out in concern for our family; it truly means the world to us! Thank you!

This past Friday we met with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and then a Neonatologist that works for the children's Hospital. The first hour was spent doing an in depth ultrasound. The technician was precious and took her time getting us the most perfect 3D pictures of Sadie's face!

Isn't she gorgeous? I am so grateful we have these photos of our girl!

Once the ultrasound was over the doctor came in an explained that Sadie's arms and legs have essentially stopped growing and are still measuring 18-19 weeks which is the same size they were at our last appointment three weeks ago. Her head and stomach are measuring on track at 30 weeks but the issue of her chest size still remains and unfortunately isn't getting any better. Her heart is growing at a normal rate but the bones in her chest are still extremely small. Since there is no room for expansion in her little chest, her heart and lungs are constricted which won't allow her to breathe on her own outside of my womb. 

People have asked me "can't they just expand her chest so that she her heart and lungs have more room" but unfortunately its not that simple. I so wish it was... The doctors have explained to us that even if they were to break and expand her chest plate it wouldn't help her in the long run because its only a temporary fix. 

After we met with our MFM doctor we were introduced to the Neonatologist. She was so kind and understanding of our situation. When she spoke to us it was with genuine concern and sentiment for what we were going through; I was so grateful for that. She explained to us that there isn't much they can do for Sadie once she's born - the most they could do is put her on a ventalator to prolong our time with her. Of course, our next question was "How much time do you think we will get to spend with her alive without major intervention?". She said she was unsure but it could be anywhere from minutes to several hours. 9 months carrying her in my womb and mere minutes in our arms. I am not ready for what's coming. 

Delivery day seems so far away but the reality of it is as each day passes we are another day closer to the birth and potential death of our only daughter. I get extremely overwhelmed imagining how that day is going to look... how it will feel leaving the hospital with empty arms...how the recovery will be even harder in every way...physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm going to be honest and tell you that when Drew and I began talking about trying to have another baby after our last miscarriage this wasn't even on our radar. We were bracing ourselves for another miscarriage or bringing home a new baby... it was black and white. This gray area we are in has me shaken to the core. Don't get me wrong, my faith isn't shaken but my outlook on life has shifted completely.

Life isn't about presenting your best self to show the world how "perfect" YOU are..it's about showing and sharing your scars to show how "human" we are and how much we ALL need a Savior. 

July 3, 2018 - The 3rd Trimester

In the first trimester of pregnancy the weeks seem to drag on...it seems to take an eternity to get to each gestational milestone. To me, week 8 is the first big milestone because by then the nausea has set in and you are actually starting to show visible signs of pregnancy. Week 13 marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester and week 20 says your half way through! Week 24 is exciting because it means your baby has a good chance of surviving outside of the womb! Week 28 begins the 3rd trimester and the final milestone, your due date means the baby is coming!

This week marks one of the final milestones in my pregnancy; the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I am trying to find joy in the occasion but realistically it is just a reminder that the inevitable is coming sooner than I care to admit. At this point in my pregnancy with Grant our home was overcome with baby items! I had already started stock piling diapers in the guest closet and amazon packages were arriving almost daily with more and more baby gear. I suppose some would call it first-time mom excitement but I would call it prepared; I wanted to be as ready as I could be for our new addition. I read books on birth and how to train newborns to sleep, never in my wildest dreams did I think this pregnancy would be any different. Somehow I have found myself here, reading about skeletal dyspasia's and how to prepare for neonatal mortality. The line between the happy and vibrate side of life to the darkest of days seems unbearably thin.

Drew tells me I should give myself a break and not read these types of things but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to find myself blindsided when the day comes. I would much rather be as ready as I can be now for the worst possible situation and pray the best will happen than be prepared for the best and have the worst happen. My heart couldn't take it.

The emotional ups and downs of this road are beyond anything I can explain... one second I can be walking along, smiling, singing and just thanking God for our blessings and literally a millisecond later I am crying my eyes out because I just can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is happening to me...to us...to my little boy who wants a sibling more than anything in this world... I don't tell you this so you will feel sorry for me. Truly that is the last thing I want. I am just in need of grace right now because I feel like I am barely keeping afloat some days. Just yesterday I was walking the isles of Kroger crying my eyes out on the phone with my mom about how to guard Grant's heart from the pain of this...I can't stand the thought that this will shatter his little heart, that this might make him question God if He chooses not to heal Sadie the way we have been praying He would. I was trying to speak quietly and hide my tears but people could tell I was upset and they couldn't help but stare. The grief and stress of it all hits me at the most random and inopportune times, like the frozen foods section of my local grocery store...

I feel like I am walking on paper thin ice, like at any moment the weight of it all will become too much and the ground will crumble from beneath me. I have begged God to give me a glimpse of the next few months...what will happen when the day comes for Sadie to be born? Will we have an hour with her? A day? A lifetime?

Please Lord, just show me... I can handle it, whatever it is, I just need to know.

After I prayed this, the Lord answered me very clearly by an illustration given by Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place. When she was a child she had asked her father numerous hard questions, some of which the answers were too much for her young ears. Her father responded by asking Corrie to pick up a large suitcase and carry it over to him. She tried to lift it but it was too heavy for her, so she responded "Daddy, I can't carry it, its too heavy and I don't have the strength to lift it". He said "Exactly. Just like it would be wrong of me to ask you to carry such a heavy suitcase, it would be wrong for me to give you the answers to things you aren't ready to hear. When you become old and stronger, you will be able to carry more on your own, but for now, let me carry the things that are too much for you."

Profound. I am not strong enough to face what is coming in the next few months on my own. God is protecting my heart by not allowing me to know exactly what to expect. He is carrying my suitcase for me because I am too weak to lift it on my own.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace and strength. I could not take another day, another step or even another breathe without it. Get me through these next few months, Lord. Allow me to stand firm in your word and not be afraid of the valley of the shadow of death because God you will never leave my side. Amen.