Forgiving God

"I'm not sure where to start. I have been struggling lately with fear. Fear of life looking differently than I had always planned. Fear of the emotional pain that comes when life hits you so hard you don't know which way is up. Fear of losing the man that I've loved since day one. It's hard to put into words but my dad is dying. He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2019 and has been receiving chemo treatments every other week since then. Unfortunately, the chemo hasn't killed any of the cancer cells, its simply held them at bay to allow us more time with him. Even through his pain and daily suffering, he has continued to be faithful to Gods calling on his life. He has been an encourager to other cancer patients and even the staff at the doctors office. " (8/12/22)

This is the draft I saw saved from when I last logged in... it's been almost 3 years without him now. When I logged in to type a life update, I didn't know this draft was sitting there waiting on me, I just knew I needed to get this hurt off my chest. The very same hurt I was afraid of back in 2019 when I wrote it. The last three years I have really bottled up my hurt and never let it breathe, never truly exhaled from the chokehold that his loss had on me. When you loss someone so wonderful, so genuine, the world just feels wrong without them in it. Don't get me wrong, the Lord has fully sustained us these last three years and we do have peace that daddy is in Heaven is better than he's ever been, but right now, I'm not. I miss him. So much. That hurt sometimes presents itself in ways I'm not proud of...anger, resentment, bitterness and frustration directed at God. The same God who loves me and sent His son to die for me. That's who I'm mad at... How shameful to even say it out loud but its true. He knows the innerworkings of my heart so it would be foolish to try and hide it from Him. He's known for quite sometime. He's given me grace and time to work through it but in my pride and sin nature I shove it down where I don't have to face it, and for sure where no one else sees it. But I feel it.. and I can no longer go on without bringing it to light in full acknowledgement of my nothingness before the Lord. Who am I to be mad at the God of the universe? Who am I question His sovereignty? 

I was challenged in our youth Bible study with the question "Is there someone you're refusing to forgive?" and the only one that kept coming to mind was the Lord. Even in my anger, I know my place before the Lord. I am nothing to a God who is Everything. I am but a vaper to an Eternal God. I am a pile of filthy rags before a righteous and spotless Lamb. And yet, I find myself looking for His apology, as if He somehow made a mistake. I have to be honest, I lost trust in God's goodness after losing my daughter and then my father. In my human comprehension, I just can't fathom that this is how it should've gone. I prayed without ceasing...I begged God for healing for them both, I did everything He told me to do and even still, this is my outcome. It's impossibly hard to not feel jilted when your told "no" especially for something as pure as the healing of a loved one. But my prayer wasn't pure...I was praying my will to be done, not God's. 

In times like these, I can't do anything but simply surrender....

Surrender to my knowledge of who I know God is.

Surrender to His word knowing that it is truth.

Surrender to my humanity knowing I cannot see beyond this very second.

Surrender to the sheer nothingness that I am before a Holy God.

Surrender to the cross knowing Jesus took it all just for me.

Surrender to the hope that I have in Heaven.

Surrender to the King of Kings knowing that He is in control and I don't have to be. 

I don't pretend to understand why things happen the way they do or that I'll even get to see the blessings of it all this side of Heaven but I know at the end of the day that my God is Holy. He doesn't make mistakes. He works everything according to His perfect will and purpose and I don't have to have it all figured out. He is daily sustaining me, breaking down the walls of my heart, pushing for a deeper love relationship with me, and leading me towards healing. It takes time to heal...but friends don't hide your emotions from your God. He can handle them. He see's them...he's just waiting on you to surrender them to Him. 

Acknowledgment and adjustment of our heart posture towards to the Lord doesn't come with judgement from Him but with restoration to Him. 

Life as we know it...

It's hard to believe this post is coming at you almost a year and a half after the death of our daughter, Sadie. While I was pregnant with her, knowing her condition was lethal, I would say every day how much I was we could fast forward and see what life looked like on the "other-side" of things. I'm not sure if I was naive or just unknowing but I didn't realize how long it would take for me to actually say "I'm on the "other-side of the wreckage that came from losing her". I still feel like I'm in the thick of it still trying to find my way back to who I was before everything came crashing down. I really liked the me I was before all of this. I had finally gotten to the healthiest place I have ever been, both mentally and physically. I felt like I had finally taken control over my life... maybe that was the first mistake.

I have tried to dig down deep in my soul to find "her" again, the old me, the one I was so happy with but she seems too far out of reach. Could that be the Lord telling me to stop trying to go backwards? To stop searching for ways to get back where I was but to look for ways to take steps to where God is leading next. {Must be, as I just had a revelation while typing what the Lord laid on my heart}. 

Have you seen the movie Frozen 2? If you have, you would recognize the scene where Anna sings "The Next Right Thing". In the film, it is right after Anna finds out that Elsa and Olaf have died, Anna is trying to drag herself off of the floor to carry on with life but she isn't sure how or what that would look like. My favorite part of the song says" 

"I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breathThis next stepThis next choice is one that I can makeSo I'll walk through this nightStumbling blindly toward the lightAnd do the next right thingAnd with the dawn, what comes then?When it's clear that everything will never be the same againThen I'll make the choiceTo hear that voiceAnd do the next right thing"

Wow is that one of the truest depictions of life after loss that I've ever heard. I cry every time I hear that song, not because I cry easily in movies (although that is true) but because the person who wrote that song knows. They know exactly how it feels to have no idea what's next because, to them, the hurt they have experienced should have killed them. Dramatic? No... True.  If you haven't experienced loss to this level, I pray you never have to. But if you have, you just know. 

I find myself wondering and asking "Okay, Lord...where to next?" because I can't stand the thought of staying here. I've been so anxious to rush on to the next phase of life so we can close this chapter safely behind us but the Lord hasn't turned that page yet. I don't want to confuse anyone, we are doing well, life overall is really good. We are finding joy in every day! The Lord has provided innumerable blessings in the last year and a half its hard to be anything besides joyful and grateful! So please hear my heart when I say, we truly are doing well but it's hard to see the world move on while physically we have moved on but mentally and  emotionally I am still a little behind.  The biggest part of me cannot believe I wished my pregnancy days away. Those day were so long and exhausting (we were driving back and forth downtown to different doctors offices multiple times a week, getting extremely difficult news and having so many tests done.) I particularly remember sitting in a booth at the cafe inside the hospital wishing I could see life on the other side and how it would all play out. Here I am a year and a half later wishing I could tell myself to live in the stage I was in. To not wish it away but be grateful for it. 

Thoughts like these encourage me that perhaps future me will look back and be grateful for where we've been because I allowed the Lord to use this time to heal me, that I used my hurt to help someone else, that Sadie's life and story will continue to share Gods mercy and love to folks feeling the same heartbreak. I can feel God healing my heart more and more as the days pass by. I keep expecting the hole to completely close but I know it won't, the whole is Sadie size and no purchase, no vacation or even no other baby will fill the void. The Lord has His hand over my broken pieces and He protects me while I am learning "to make the choice, to hear His voice and do the next right thing". 

How is Grant coping with the loss?

One of the biggest concerns I have had since Sadie's death has been the heart of our four year old son, Grant. We were very open with him through the entire pregnancy that she was "sick" and her "bones were twisted".  We tried to breakdown the medical terms and put it into thoughts he could process easier. Skeletal Dysplasia is hard to understand as an adult, let alone a four year old little boy. He would pray for her every night and ask God to heal her bones and keep her safe. 

To be clear, we were very honest and up front about the fact that the doctors believed she wouldn't be able to survive outside of my womb but at the same time the harshness and finality of death was something I wasn't ready to broach with him. Every night as Drew and I would tuck him in we would say prayers and all but beg God to spare her life...

When Sadie was born we immediately knew (from the lack of crying and her struggle to deep breath) that she wasn't going to make it very long so we got me covered up and brought him in. The joy he felt in his heart when he saw her couldn't be hidden; he was in love. His tone and touch seemed to soften naturally when he saw her, he knew she was fragile. He was able to hold her and take a few photos while enjoying the bliss of his new found brotherhood. 

I will never forget the minute he looked up to me with Sadie in his arms and asked if she is going to get to come home with us... Drew and I both looked at each other with tear filled eyes and wondered how we would ever break this awful news to him. Drew paused a minute, took a deep breath and slowly said "Buddy, Sadie isn't doing so well, she is going to live with Jesus very soon so she won't be able to come home." What came next nearly killed me.... Grant let out a painfully long "NOOOOOO". It wasn't a "no" out of disrespect or disobedience, it was out of sheer hurt. His face began pouring tears. His little hands held on a little tighter to his sister knowing that she'd soon be taken away. My sister actually caught this moment on camera and as excruciating as they are to look at, they show his unconditional love for his baby sister. 

Drew and I will both tell you, this was the hardest part.

What we are learning is that as time goes on, grief and pain doesn't lessen but you learn how to cope with it a little better. 

Grant is learning how to cope with his loss just the same as Drew and I are. Things that trigger sadness to me aren't triggers for him. That's the thing about grief...It just hits you OUT OF NOWHERE and when you least expect it! We have pictures hanging in our home of the two of them and daily Grant will ask questions about Sadie or just in passing say that he misses her and wishes she was here. Unfortunately, not every day is that black and white. A few days ago he started crying for no reason and when I asked him what was wrong he yelled "SHE WAS MY SISTER!!!  AND NOW SHE'S GONE!!!" 

We both fell apart in the middle of the kitchen. Our shatter hearts clinging to each other for dear life. 

I constantly ask God to protect his heart from hurt and not let this negatively affect his relationship with Jesus one day. Satan loves to torment me over that...he whispers lies like that to me all the time:

"how could he every trust God after what he's gone through...you teach him to ask God for what he needs/wants but all he see is God turn his back".  James 4:7 says "Rebuke the devil and he will flee from you". 

Let me just tell you...I do a LOT of rebuking! I refuse to believe satans lie that Grant will be emotionally traumatized by this and that it will make him never trust God...

I will stand on God's word believing that even though we are tested and refined by fire, by our faith, it will be turned to praise and glory to God. (1 Peter 1:7) 

If you would, would you please join me in prayer for Grant's heart. I am believing God and knowing He has something big for Grant in his life. That even Grant will share Sadie's story one day to minister to circle of influence or even his children and grandchildren. Sadie's legacy and our ministry doesn't end with a grave.  

Jenny

Closing 2018

Today is New Year's Eve, the final day of 2018. 

Man, am I glad about that! This year has been a whirlwind. Some would even classify it as a tornado. A category 5 that came in and wrecked havoc on life as I knew it. This year started out so promising... I remember standing in the hospital room as my sister was about to give birth to my niece thinking, "this will be me sometime this year". I knew it would, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. At that point I had been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for a few months and was finally at the point where it was okay for us to "try" to conceive. It's the strangest sensation, I can remember that moment so vividly, like it was yesterday...but my, how much life we have lived between then and now.

Just 4 short weeks after that day I found out I was expecting. 

10 weeks after that we found out it was a GIRL!!

2 weeks later, we learned that our dream baby girl wouldn't spend more than a few hours on earth. 

16 weeks after that life changing news, at 2:28pm, we gave birth to our gorgeous daughter, Sadie. 

55 minutes later, she entered Heaven's gates.

Less than 24 hours after that, when we should have been leaving the hospital with our new baby, we were handing her our to a coroner.

2 days later, we buried our amazing daughter. I am a Christian so of course I know that Sadie is not in that grave, her soul is with Jesus in Heaven but I also know that her earthly body in is in the ground. In a box. Covered with dirt. That thought haunts me...it's just not right that something so precious and beautiful is under all of that filth. (I'm sure there is a lesson in that statement alone.) 

A month after Sadie's passing we ordered her tombstone. 

A few months later it arrived... I will never forget walking out to see her headstone for the first time. It had just rained so the ground was saturated, my eyes were just the same. . I just remember holding onto Drew's hand for dear life, not ready to see her name on something so final. If it wasn't real before, it definitely was now. My knees weakened when the marker finally came into focus. I could feel the blood rush out of my head and the dizziness start to set in. I surrendered to sitting on the sopping wet ground so that I wouldn't pass out... As I sat there I kept thinking that I should have brought flowers to somehow add beauty to what felt horrific but the truth was, not even flowers could have made that sight easier. 

My fingers pause on the keys of my computer because all I really want to say is "What the heck". Must sound strange to hear but it's true. I am still in utter disbelief that this year held what it did. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine things would turn out the way they have. I want to say I understand it all but I don't. I'm not to that point yet and honestly, I don't know that I ever will be until I meet Jesus and hold my baby girl again. Oh how my heart LONGS for Heaven...Every day. Every single minute. 

2018 has been a year I will never forget. The joy, the pain, the beauty and heartbreak all culminate to create a bigger plan that I might not ever see but I trust that this year was not given to us in vain. I know the Lord is at work. 

2019 starts tomorrow. I am praying that it is infinitely less eventful than 2018 and that the Lord will allow healing and joy for our hearts. Grant is still struggling with being an only child, he wanted Sadie just as bad as the rest of us... Pray for his heart. Pray that God will use past year strengthen his (and my) faith. We look forward to the fresh blooms of Spring.

"If 2019 should look like 2018, we will be faithful, Lord. Amen."

How did we get here & Where do we go from here?

In three days we will have officially lived life for 3 months without Sadie here. It's hard to comprehend that thought, it feels like years since I last held and kissed her. Time has somehow kept moving forward when life feels like it should completely stop. Its such a strange sensation. The busyness of life has distracted me of dwelling on my loss daily but every now and then it will hit me... "How did we get here? Is this really my life? Did that really happen?"  When life seems to slow down, that's when the influx of emotion hits. Most of the time its in my car on my way to or from work. My thoughts shift from this weeks grocery list to the loss of my daughter, it's a sharp curve of emotion that shows up out of nowhere and wrecks me completely.

I find myself starring at my hands remembering that just twelve short weeks ago they held a real baby. Satan wants to me forget that. Satan wants me to forget the way she smelled and the weight of her body in my arms. There are days when it all feels like a bad dream or someone else's story, not my own. I didn't ask for this...We were so excited for a daughter, Lord, why did you allow her to be taken from us? I'll never understand that...I have a mark on my heart that will never go away. Time tends to fade it and lessen it but the scar will always be there.

People have asked, so what comes next for y'all? Are y'all going to try to have another? Truth be told, I have no idea. I have no clue what the Lord has in store for us from here... Am I ready to have another? No. I am still in pieces over my girl...and I will be for awhile. Before we got pregnant with Sadie we said this was our last try (after numerous miscarriages). That whether this pregnancy ended with a baby or another miscarriage we weren't going to try again. We were done. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to give birth to a baby and not be able to bring her home from the hospital. We've contemplated adoption and are completely open if the Lord leads us there but for now, things are quiet on the baby front and I am okay (even happy) with it. My arms long to be filled but my heart is still very much broken and vulnerable, the idea of another loss is overwhelming to me, I am still dealing with Sadie's loss, add another miscarriage to it and I might just lose it. Many of my friends are having their second and third children. I follow their photos on social media and my heart longs for that, not for me, but for Grant. He wanted a sibling so badly, he speaks often of Sadie and still prays and asks God to protect her and take care of her in Heaven. He would have been the best big brother. Until the Lord opens a door we will be here, healing and waiting on what comes next for our family. Sadie will always be a part of us. She has made such a mark on each of our hearts that the idea of moving on without her here is almost unbearable, but somehow, by the grace of God, we will keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where He leads. Please pray for our willingness to follow. 

-Jenny

"When Sadie went to Heaven a piece of my heart went with her...I won't ever get that back. That piece is hers."

Lord, move my fingers to the keys you want me to type. Direct my thoughts to the things you want people to hear. Only allow me to speak what you would have me say. Please Lord, move me out of the way so you are seen. Amen. 

I have been meaning to sit down and write for a few weeks now but honestly, I've struggled to find the words, that properly convey how I feel. I'm not even sure I know exactly how I feel right now. My emotions are all over the place, all of the time. Some of it, I'm sure, is postpartum hormones but most it is grief and confusion. I've felt like a shell of a human the last few weeks...I am physically present but mentally, for the most part, I'm somewhere else. Even doing the most mundane tasks my mind can run away with thoughts of my girl - what she is now seeing and what she now knows. Its strange to think that she knows so much more than I do, that she has seen Jesus face to face, that He read her name in the Lambs Book of Life, and that He welcomed her into the Kingdom of Heaven.


Losing Sadie has deepened my love for God in ways I could never have imagined. It opened my eyes so much more to the depth of sacrifice God made. God, the Father, sent His son, Jesus, to die so that you and I could be with Him forever in Heaven. My gratitude abounds knowing that because of this sacrifice Sadie is in Heaven and I will see her again. What if God hadn't given Jesus in our place? Sadie, even though she was physically blameless in her short life, was still born into a sinful world and to sinful parents... even she would not get to experience Heaven without Jesus.

Death would be physically unbearable without the hope of Heaven and that promise of God.

Psalm 16 says

" Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.  I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”  I say of the holy people who are in the land, “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”  Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips.  LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.  I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand" 

He says it right there in His word, "you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, not will you let your faithful one see decay". 

When Sadie went to Heaven a piece of my heart went with her. I won't ever get that back. That piece is hers. I am just learning how to function without it, but its a slow process. Some moments are harder than others - there are moments where my sin nature wants so badly to take over and fill me with jealously and bitterness while other thoughts are filled with hope and gratefulness for our 55 minutes with her. I try to refocus when my worldliness surfaces but it's so hard. Satan has so much to beat me up with right now.  When I am struggling with Grant, he loves to say "You can't even handle one child...how could you have managed two?" or "Grant will never recover from the hurt you have put him through".

In those moments, I pray out loud...

"Lord, bind Satan! Remove his nasty hurtful thoughts that are trying to tear me down. Remove his grip on my emotions and free from his chains. Only you, Jesus, are allowed to inhabit my thoughts. Amen."

Our situation sucks, our loss hurts, our hearts are broken (as a friend of mine says) "BUT JESUS". Jesus heals, He restores, He comforts, He loves and He knows. I am grateful that He allowed us to know Sadie and that He died so that she could LIVE in Heaven. The depth of Christ's sacrifice is not lost on me. 

"Lord, please continue to give me perspective - allow me to see other people's hurt. Allow Sadie's story to minister to others. Allow us to honor her memory, as you would see fit, Lord. Thank you for your goodness and faithfulness. Amen."

 

Two Weeks Postpartum

Yesterday marked two weeks since my sweet Sadie was born. I started to write a blog post yesterday but the words just weren't coming. I have no idea what to write even now... These past two weeks have been hard. I won't sugar coat things, they've sucked. There is no other word, when something like this happens, it just sucks.

Drew and I have clung tightly to each other these past few weeks. His work has been so supportive and allowed him time off as well as the ability to work from home to be with me. Thank you Lord, because I cry every time he leaves; even if it is just for an hour to run to the store. Some of that is hormones but most of it is I just want him around. My love for him has grown more than I could have ever imagined. Honestly, I didn't think I could love him anymore until I saw how he loved our baby girl. The way he held her and kissed her, even after she left her earthly body...it was pure and perfect just like a father's love should be. My heart could burst even now just thinking about it.

Grant has handled the loss as well as a four year old should. For the first few days he would ask if she was coming back or if we could go visit her in Heaven - man, how I wish that was possible. He understands the situation pretty well now and his questions have turned from emotional to more factual. For example, when he sees me cry, he will ask "Are you crying because Sadie is dead?". That blatant question just about kills me every time...his sweet little voice speaking such harsh words such as death. One instance in particular when he asked I responded "Yes, buddy. I miss her. Do you miss her?". He said "No... because if she was here, she could get hurt...she can't get hurt in Heaven."

Obviously, I lost it again. I was a bucket of tears at that point. The profound yet simple words of my four year old sparked gratefulness in my heart. Gratefulness seems like such a strange emotion to feel after the loss of a child... I'm not grateful she's gone. I miss her immensely and my heart and hands ache for her but knowing Christ means that I can be grateful to know that she isn't dead. She's more alive today in Heaven than she ever was in her 55 minutes here on earth. I love to imagine what she must be doing this very second in Heaven - is she playing, singing praises, sitting in awe of her Savior? Everything good and perfect. She never has to experience pain or sadness. That makes my mommy-heart rest a little easier.

As far as physical recovery, my body feels normal. That's been such a surreal feeling this time around because with Grant I was in pain for a few weeks. Because of this, I find myself forgetting its only been 15 days since I had her, it feels like years have passed since I last held her, yet the emotions remind me of how fresh it all still is.

I don't have "good days and bad days", each day has its own amount of good and bad, so we just take each minute as it comes and do our best to keep moving forward as best as we can. Your prayers have meant so much to us and have carried us to where we are now. Please keep them coming. I can't imagine having to go through this without knowing Jesus and without having the support system we have. It would be impossible.

Jenny