Life as we know it...

It's hard to believe this post is coming at you almost a year and a half after the death of our daughter, Sadie. While I was pregnant with her, knowing her condition was lethal, I would say every day how much I was we could fast forward and see what life looked like on the "other-side" of things. I'm not sure if I was naive or just unknowing but I didn't realize how long it would take for me to actually say "I'm on the "other-side of the wreckage that came from losing her". I still feel like I'm in the thick of it still trying to find my way back to who I was before everything came crashing down. I really liked the me I was before all of this. I had finally gotten to the healthiest place I have ever been, both mentally and physically. I felt like I had finally taken control over my life... maybe that was the first mistake.

I have tried to dig down deep in my soul to find "her" again, the old me, the one I was so happy with but she seems too far out of reach. Could that be the Lord telling me to stop trying to go backwards? To stop searching for ways to get back where I was but to look for ways to take steps to where God is leading next. {Must be, as I just had a revelation while typing what the Lord laid on my heart}. 

Have you seen the movie Frozen 2? If you have, you would recognize the scene where Anna sings "The Next Right Thing". In the film, it is right after Anna finds out that Elsa and Olaf have died, Anna is trying to drag herself off of the floor to carry on with life but she isn't sure how or what that would look like. My favorite part of the song says" 

"I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breathThis next stepThis next choice is one that I can makeSo I'll walk through this nightStumbling blindly toward the lightAnd do the next right thingAnd with the dawn, what comes then?When it's clear that everything will never be the same againThen I'll make the choiceTo hear that voiceAnd do the next right thing"

Wow is that one of the truest depictions of life after loss that I've ever heard. I cry every time I hear that song, not because I cry easily in movies (although that is true) but because the person who wrote that song knows. They know exactly how it feels to have no idea what's next because, to them, the hurt they have experienced should have killed them. Dramatic? No... True.  If you haven't experienced loss to this level, I pray you never have to. But if you have, you just know. 

I find myself wondering and asking "Okay, Lord...where to next?" because I can't stand the thought of staying here. I've been so anxious to rush on to the next phase of life so we can close this chapter safely behind us but the Lord hasn't turned that page yet. I don't want to confuse anyone, we are doing well, life overall is really good. We are finding joy in every day! The Lord has provided innumerable blessings in the last year and a half its hard to be anything besides joyful and grateful! So please hear my heart when I say, we truly are doing well but it's hard to see the world move on while physically we have moved on but mentally and  emotionally I am still a little behind.  The biggest part of me cannot believe I wished my pregnancy days away. Those day were so long and exhausting (we were driving back and forth downtown to different doctors offices multiple times a week, getting extremely difficult news and having so many tests done.) I particularly remember sitting in a booth at the cafe inside the hospital wishing I could see life on the other side and how it would all play out. Here I am a year and a half later wishing I could tell myself to live in the stage I was in. To not wish it away but be grateful for it. 

Thoughts like these encourage me that perhaps future me will look back and be grateful for where we've been because I allowed the Lord to use this time to heal me, that I used my hurt to help someone else, that Sadie's life and story will continue to share Gods mercy and love to folks feeling the same heartbreak. I can feel God healing my heart more and more as the days pass by. I keep expecting the hole to completely close but I know it won't, the whole is Sadie size and no purchase, no vacation or even no other baby will fill the void. The Lord has His hand over my broken pieces and He protects me while I am learning "to make the choice, to hear His voice and do the next right thing".