How did we get here & Where do we go from here?

In three days we will have officially lived life for 3 months without Sadie here. It's hard to comprehend that thought, it feels like years since I last held and kissed her. Time has somehow kept moving forward when life feels like it should completely stop. Its such a strange sensation. The busyness of life has distracted me of dwelling on my loss daily but every now and then it will hit me... "How did we get here? Is this really my life? Did that really happen?"  When life seems to slow down, that's when the influx of emotion hits. Most of the time its in my car on my way to or from work. My thoughts shift from this weeks grocery list to the loss of my daughter, it's a sharp curve of emotion that shows up out of nowhere and wrecks me completely.

I find myself starring at my hands remembering that just twelve short weeks ago they held a real baby. Satan wants to me forget that. Satan wants me to forget the way she smelled and the weight of her body in my arms. There are days when it all feels like a bad dream or someone else's story, not my own. I didn't ask for this...We were so excited for a daughter, Lord, why did you allow her to be taken from us? I'll never understand that...I have a mark on my heart that will never go away. Time tends to fade it and lessen it but the scar will always be there.

People have asked, so what comes next for y'all? Are y'all going to try to have another? Truth be told, I have no idea. I have no clue what the Lord has in store for us from here... Am I ready to have another? No. I am still in pieces over my girl...and I will be for awhile. Before we got pregnant with Sadie we said this was our last try (after numerous miscarriages). That whether this pregnancy ended with a baby or another miscarriage we weren't going to try again. We were done. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to give birth to a baby and not be able to bring her home from the hospital. We've contemplated adoption and are completely open if the Lord leads us there but for now, things are quiet on the baby front and I am okay (even happy) with it. My arms long to be filled but my heart is still very much broken and vulnerable, the idea of another loss is overwhelming to me, I am still dealing with Sadie's loss, add another miscarriage to it and I might just lose it. Many of my friends are having their second and third children. I follow their photos on social media and my heart longs for that, not for me, but for Grant. He wanted a sibling so badly, he speaks often of Sadie and still prays and asks God to protect her and take care of her in Heaven. He would have been the best big brother. Until the Lord opens a door we will be here, healing and waiting on what comes next for our family. Sadie will always be a part of us. She has made such a mark on each of our hearts that the idea of moving on without her here is almost unbearable, but somehow, by the grace of God, we will keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where He leads. Please pray for our willingness to follow. 

-Jenny