Man, am I glad about that! This year has been a whirlwind. Some would even classify it as a tornado. A category 5 that came in and wrecked havoc on life as I knew it. This year started out so promising... I remember standing in the hospital room as my sister was about to give birth to my niece thinking, "this will be me sometime this year". I knew it would, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. At that point I had been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for a few months and was finally at the point where it was okay for us to "try" to conceive. It's the strangest sensation, I can remember that moment so vividly, like it was yesterday...but my, how much life we have lived between then and now.
Just 4 short weeks after that day I found out I was expecting.
10 weeks after that we found out it was a GIRL!!
2 weeks later, we learned that our dream baby girl wouldn't spend more than a few hours on earth.
16 weeks after that life changing news, at 2:28pm, we gave birth to our gorgeous daughter, Sadie.
55 minutes later, she entered Heaven's gates.
Less than 24 hours after that, when we should have been leaving the hospital with our new baby, we were handing her our to a coroner.
2 days later, we buried our amazing daughter. I am a Christian so of course I know that Sadie is not in that grave, her soul is with Jesus in Heaven but I also know that her earthly body in is in the ground. In a box. Covered with dirt. That thought haunts me...it's just not right that something so precious and beautiful is under all of that filth. (I'm sure there is a lesson in that statement alone.)
A month after Sadie's passing we ordered her tombstone.
A few months later it arrived... I will never forget walking out to see her headstone for the first time. It had just rained so the ground was saturated, my eyes were just the same. . I just remember holding onto Drew's hand for dear life, not ready to see her name on something so final. If it wasn't real before, it definitely was now. My knees weakened when the marker finally came into focus. I could feel the blood rush out of my head and the dizziness start to set in. I surrendered to sitting on the sopping wet ground so that I wouldn't pass out... As I sat there I kept thinking that I should have brought flowers to somehow add beauty to what felt horrific but the truth was, not even flowers could have made that sight easier.
My fingers pause on the keys of my computer because all I really want to say is "What the heck". Must sound strange to hear but it's true. I am still in utter disbelief that this year held what it did. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine things would turn out the way they have. I want to say I understand it all but I don't. I'm not to that point yet and honestly, I don't know that I ever will be until I meet Jesus and hold my baby girl again. Oh how my heart LONGS for Heaven...Every day. Every single minute.
2018 has been a year I will never forget. The joy, the pain, the beauty and heartbreak all culminate to create a bigger plan that I might not ever see but I trust that this year was not given to us in vain. I know the Lord is at work.
2019 starts tomorrow. I am praying that it is infinitely less eventful than 2018 and that the Lord will allow healing and joy for our hearts. Grant is still struggling with being an only child, he wanted Sadie just as bad as the rest of us... Pray for his heart. Pray that God will use past year strengthen his (and my) faith. We look forward to the fresh blooms of Spring.
"If 2019 should look like 2018, we will be faithful, Lord. Amen."
