Forgiving God

"I'm not sure where to start. I have been struggling lately with fear. Fear of life looking differently than I had always planned. Fear of the emotional pain that comes when life hits you so hard you don't know which way is up. Fear of losing the man that I've loved since day one. It's hard to put into words but my dad is dying. He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2019 and has been receiving chemo treatments every other week since then. Unfortunately, the chemo hasn't killed any of the cancer cells, its simply held them at bay to allow us more time with him. Even through his pain and daily suffering, he has continued to be faithful to Gods calling on his life. He has been an encourager to other cancer patients and even the staff at the doctors office. " (8/12/22)

This is the draft I saw saved from when I last logged in... it's been almost 3 years without him now. When I logged in to type a life update, I didn't know this draft was sitting there waiting on me, I just knew I needed to get this hurt off my chest. The very same hurt I was afraid of back in 2019 when I wrote it. The last three years I have really bottled up my hurt and never let it breathe, never truly exhaled from the chokehold that his loss had on me. When you loss someone so wonderful, so genuine, the world just feels wrong without them in it. Don't get me wrong, the Lord has fully sustained us these last three years and we do have peace that daddy is in Heaven is better than he's ever been, but right now, I'm not. I miss him. So much. That hurt sometimes presents itself in ways I'm not proud of...anger, resentment, bitterness and frustration directed at God. The same God who loves me and sent His son to die for me. That's who I'm mad at... How shameful to even say it out loud but its true. He knows the innerworkings of my heart so it would be foolish to try and hide it from Him. He's known for quite sometime. He's given me grace and time to work through it but in my pride and sin nature I shove it down where I don't have to face it, and for sure where no one else sees it. But I feel it.. and I can no longer go on without bringing it to light in full acknowledgement of my nothingness before the Lord. Who am I to be mad at the God of the universe? Who am I question His sovereignty? 

I was challenged in our youth Bible study with the question "Is there someone you're refusing to forgive?" and the only one that kept coming to mind was the Lord. Even in my anger, I know my place before the Lord. I am nothing to a God who is Everything. I am but a vaper to an Eternal God. I am a pile of filthy rags before a righteous and spotless Lamb. And yet, I find myself looking for His apology, as if He somehow made a mistake. I have to be honest, I lost trust in God's goodness after losing my daughter and then my father. In my human comprehension, I just can't fathom that this is how it should've gone. I prayed without ceasing...I begged God for healing for them both, I did everything He told me to do and even still, this is my outcome. It's impossibly hard to not feel jilted when your told "no" especially for something as pure as the healing of a loved one. But my prayer wasn't pure...I was praying my will to be done, not God's. 

In times like these, I can't do anything but simply surrender....

Surrender to my knowledge of who I know God is.

Surrender to His word knowing that it is truth.

Surrender to my humanity knowing I cannot see beyond this very second.

Surrender to the sheer nothingness that I am before a Holy God.

Surrender to the cross knowing Jesus took it all just for me.

Surrender to the hope that I have in Heaven.

Surrender to the King of Kings knowing that He is in control and I don't have to be. 

I don't pretend to understand why things happen the way they do or that I'll even get to see the blessings of it all this side of Heaven but I know at the end of the day that my God is Holy. He doesn't make mistakes. He works everything according to His perfect will and purpose and I don't have to have it all figured out. He is daily sustaining me, breaking down the walls of my heart, pushing for a deeper love relationship with me, and leading me towards healing. It takes time to heal...but friends don't hide your emotions from your God. He can handle them. He see's them...he's just waiting on you to surrender them to Him. 

Acknowledgment and adjustment of our heart posture towards to the Lord doesn't come with judgement from Him but with restoration to Him.