Two Weeks Postpartum

Yesterday marked two weeks since my sweet Sadie was born. I started to write a blog post yesterday but the words just weren't coming. I have no idea what to write even now... These past two weeks have been hard. I won't sugar coat things, they've sucked. There is no other word, when something like this happens, it just sucks.

Drew and I have clung tightly to each other these past few weeks. His work has been so supportive and allowed him time off as well as the ability to work from home to be with me. Thank you Lord, because I cry every time he leaves; even if it is just for an hour to run to the store. Some of that is hormones but most of it is I just want him around. My love for him has grown more than I could have ever imagined. Honestly, I didn't think I could love him anymore until I saw how he loved our baby girl. The way he held her and kissed her, even after she left her earthly body...it was pure and perfect just like a father's love should be. My heart could burst even now just thinking about it.

Grant has handled the loss as well as a four year old should. For the first few days he would ask if she was coming back or if we could go visit her in Heaven - man, how I wish that was possible. He understands the situation pretty well now and his questions have turned from emotional to more factual. For example, when he sees me cry, he will ask "Are you crying because Sadie is dead?". That blatant question just about kills me every time...his sweet little voice speaking such harsh words such as death. One instance in particular when he asked I responded "Yes, buddy. I miss her. Do you miss her?". He said "No... because if she was here, she could get hurt...she can't get hurt in Heaven."

Obviously, I lost it again. I was a bucket of tears at that point. The profound yet simple words of my four year old sparked gratefulness in my heart. Gratefulness seems like such a strange emotion to feel after the loss of a child... I'm not grateful she's gone. I miss her immensely and my heart and hands ache for her but knowing Christ means that I can be grateful to know that she isn't dead. She's more alive today in Heaven than she ever was in her 55 minutes here on earth. I love to imagine what she must be doing this very second in Heaven - is she playing, singing praises, sitting in awe of her Savior? Everything good and perfect. She never has to experience pain or sadness. That makes my mommy-heart rest a little easier.

As far as physical recovery, my body feels normal. That's been such a surreal feeling this time around because with Grant I was in pain for a few weeks. Because of this, I find myself forgetting its only been 15 days since I had her, it feels like years have passed since I last held her, yet the emotions remind me of how fresh it all still is.

I don't have "good days and bad days", each day has its own amount of good and bad, so we just take each minute as it comes and do our best to keep moving forward as best as we can. Your prayers have meant so much to us and have carried us to where we are now. Please keep them coming. I can't imagine having to go through this without knowing Jesus and without having the support system we have. It would be impossible.

Jenny