We had been in the hospital for a week already trying to hold off labor until our doctor got back into town. I had been on a constant Magnesium Sulfate IV as well as taking Procardia by mouth to hopefully stop the contractions. Given Sadie's condition we knew postponing her birth wouldn't change the outcome but we hoped it would give us a little more time with her once she was born. Unfortunately, the medicine only slowed the contractions down and each time they would turn the medicine down they would pick back up again. The doctors told us I would be fine on the Magnesium for a week but any longer and it could become toxic to my body so we decided once my doctor got back into town we would turn off all medication and let my body run its course.
At 6am on Monday, August 6, 2018 we turned off all medication to prevent labor and my body immediately began contracting increasingly stronger and stronger. It began to hit me that this was going to be the day we met and most likely would say goodbye to our baby girl. The doctor came in to talk about our options... He explained that if I was dilated to at least 3centimeters it would be best to go ahead and break my water to allow things to progress easier than just starting Pitocin. When he checked me I was already dilated to 3 centimeters and was 100% effaced so we went ahead and broke my water at 8:30am. To preface this, I was carrying a lot of extra fluid with Sadie. (The normal range of fluid at 31 weeks is between 11-21cm...I was at 31cm of fluid.) The fluid wasn't harmful to her at all but the danger of carrying that much fluid is preterm labor due to your body thinking its further along than you really are - which mine did. I was handling things pretty well until the sack burst. My water broke on it's own with Grant so it wasn't the feeling of my water breaking that made me lose it but the overwhelming realization that this is really happening. There is no going back at this point. The day that I had feared for months was here sooner than I could have ever imagined. Two full months sooner to be exact.
Things began to progress extremely fast once my water broke. By 2:00pm I was dilated to 9cm. My doctor told us that he was going to zip over to his office to see some patients and that whe'd be back over soon to check me again. (His office is just across the parking lot from the hospital so he is easily able to get back and forth between managing the patients in his office and births at the hospital.) Just as he said that it began to rain...and when I say rain, I don't mean sprinkle. I'm talking the bottom fell out! Drew looked out the window and said to Dr. G "you sure you want to walk back over right now?". Our doctor said, "oh man, you're right, I'll just hang out for about 5 minutes here and see if it lets up." Not three minutes after he left the room I began feeling immense pressure, so I asked Drew to grab and nurse and have her check me again. (Note: This was literally about 4 minutes after our doctor had JUST checked.) Dr. G ended up coming right back in but when he checked me this time I was at 10cm and the baby right there. The nurses came rushing in and began setting up the room for birth. We had asked Drew's dad, Gary, our pastor to come in and pray over the delivery and for God's peace to fill the room. Our family gathered around my hospital bed, nurses held our hands, and our doctor got on his knees down to ask God for His protection and His mercy over Sadie's birth and life. It is SUCH a blessing to have a doctor that loves the Lord and love his patients.
When the prayer was over our dads took Grant next door to a special room the nurses set up for our family to wait in while we labored. My sister, Erin, and our moms all were able to stay in the room for Sadie's birth. I started pushing at 2:23pm and 3 contractions later, at 2:28pm, Sadie Hampton Ladd was born. 3lbs 6oz and 12 inches long. While I labored the nurses kept a monitor on me to track Sadie's heart rate but they turned off the volume on her heartbeat in case something happened in utero and she was stillborn. So when she was born I honestly had no idea if she was alive or not. The room was silent. Sadie never let out a single cry but she was very much alive. Our doctor later told us that as he was watching the monitor he was praying so hard that she would be born alive because her heart rate was slowing and was becoming concerning at times. When she first came out, Drew and the doctor were the only ones who got to see, but her eyes were open. She kept them shut the rest of our time with her... I love to think that when she opened her eyes again the first thing she saw was Jesus.
Once the nurses got me all covered up we had the dad's come in and bring Grant to meet his baby sister. He was so thrilled to meet her...he kept asking when we would get to bring her home. That was honestly the hardest part to me was having to explain to our four year old that his baby sister who is alive and right in front of him, would soon pass away and would not be able to come home. He began crying and asking "why does she have to die? I don't want her to die"... I told him, I didn't know and that I didn't want her to die either. Somethings just don't make sense no matter how old we are and this was one of them. I did my best to encourage him to enjoy her while she was here but it was easier said than done because we all knew it wouldn't be long.
I wanted so badly for Drew to be able to hold her alive. Thankfully, God allowed that to happen. He held her so tight, he kissed her lips and he cried tears of joy and mourning for his baby girl. About 30 minutes after she was born we became worried that she had passed so we asked the nurse to listen to her heart. After listening for what felt like an eternity the nurse nodded and said "she still has a heartbeat but it's only at about 30 beats per minute". I cannot explain the sigh of relief I had in that moment. She was still hanging on. Grant, my mom, Drew's mom and my sister were all able to hold Sadie while she was alive. What a blessing that was. We knew her time was limited so when I say they "held" her, they literally held long enough to kiss her check, give her a hug and pass her directly to the next person then straight back to me. They didn't want to take away from our time with her but we wanted them to get the chance so we insisted they hold her, even if it was only for a brief second. Sadie Hampton passed away in my arms, holding her daddies hand, just minutes later at 3:23pm.
The hours that followed were spent just holding our baby girl. Kissing her and weeping over her. The hospital wheeled in the CuddleCot that our church so graciously donated to the hospital in Sadie's honor. The CuddleCot is a bassinet that is designed specifically for still births and infant deaths - it is built to keep the baby cool so that they can remain in the room with the family instead of having to be taken away so soon after they are born. It helps the baby not change to quickly postmortem. To be 100% transparent I really wasn't sure how I would feel about her being with us after she passed away. Would I be scared to hold her or touch her? How would her skin feel? These were questions that i struggled with but I will tell you, once she passed away, so did my worries. The Lord just overwhelmed my heart with peace and love for her. I didn't want to set her down. I held her as much as I could while giving her time in her bassinet to keep cool. Its hard to feel your baby turn so cold. I found myself wrapping her up in blankets trying to warm her up. I guess its the same reason why when I held her I would bounce her or rock her... my head knew she wasn't in there but my heart needed to "mother" her. Sadie was able to stay with us throughout the night in her bassinet which laid right next to my hospital bed. Instead of sleeping on the couch, Drew slept in the hospital bed. I use the word "slept" lightly... We cried ourselves to sleep just holding each other and wishing things had turned out differently. Neither one of us slept more than about 2 hours that night, mostly because we knew that when morning came we would have to say goodbye to our baby's earthly body.
The next day was excruciating. Drew, his dad Gary and my dad, Gary, went to the cemetery to choose a plot for our baby girl and sign the papers that allowed the coroner to come and take her. He said that part was impossibly hard and that he did his best to not lose it completely in the funeral home. He was gone for about 2.5 hours that morning so when he left my sister and our moms came up to keep me company. When he got back we spent the hour saying our goodbyes. None of us wanted to give her body up...even after she had passed her little body was still so perfect. Her face was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen. Her skin was still as soft as ever and her hands felt as if no time had passed. The coroner arrived around noon to take her body... thankfully we never had to see him. He stayed in the hallway and the nurse said once we were ready to call her and she could carry her body out to him... I can't think of anything harder than handing your baby over knowing you won't get to see her again this side of Heaven. As I held her I could feel my grip getting tighter and tighter. It was Jesus speaking because the words to a worship song kept playing in my head, not the entire song, but one line... "Pry our fingers from the earthly, Oh let us love your glory...Everything in ours in You.... Pry our fingers from the earthly, Oh let us love your glory...Everything in ours in You." Literally the words were on repeat in my mind. It took every ounce of strength I had to pry my fingers from my baby girl and hand her to the nurse. Our nurse cried with us and assured us that Jesus was the one holding Sadie at that moment not her. I was so grateful for our amazing nurses and doctor who know and love Jesus and were so open to pray with us, cry with us and just love on us the best they could. I can't imagine things being as peaceful as they were without them.
Thank you for sharing the hardest and sweetest story, Sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart and family. You all have been in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteGod’s strength shining through you is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou and Drew are amazing parents. What a blessed welcome Sadie received when she took her last breath with you & her eternity breath with Jesus❤️ We will still be keeping your family in prayer for Gods peace and comfort. Love y’all 💕
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Sadie’s story. How awesome that one day, you and Drew and Grant will be together with Sadie again in heaven. My thoughts and prayers continue for all of you.
ReplyDeleteHealing comes with the written word, please do not stop writing. I can't wait to see where God leads you and your family and the great plans He has in store for you.
ReplyDeleteThere is no greater peace than from our heavenly Abba, always remember and seek Him; always.