I'm not sure where exactly to begin...I didn't feel like getting online and writing this today but if being 100% raw and sharing my heart through this blog can possibly help someone else going through the same thing, than it is worth it.
This week I am 24 weeks pregnant. Viability week. This week is a major milestone in pregnancy because it is the week that doctors say is the earliest a baby can be born and have a decent chance of survival. I remember the relief I felt when I hit 24 weeks pregnant with Grant. Virtually all fear had subsided and I was basking in the last few months of my pregnancy, very unlike what I am feeling currently.
As each week passes I am reminded that the day is coming...the day I will give birth to our girl. I wish I knew what that day was going to look like...right now everything is up in the air. Will she be still born? Will we get to spend a few minutes/hours/days with her? Will this end up being something she can live with? None of these things we know for sure yet...hopefully as our pregnancy progresses those answers will become more clear. As of now, the 3 types of Dysplasia they are most concerned about show a life expectancy of 24 hours...How do you prepare for that? How do you let you heart become okay with knowing this baby you've already fallen in love with will be stripped away from you? It makes each new week more painful than the last. I am trying so hard to enjoy her while I have her and not worry or stress about the future but I'm human. My mind wonders. FAR. Fear sets in and I allow Satan to beat me up. Satan loves that I'm mad...he loves that I am scared...he loves that I feel guilt and worry.
Trust me, I know all of these things are not from God, in His word He has promised me He won't ever leave me nor forsake me and that His plan is greater than mine. But y'all...this road wasn't in my plan...and I don't want to have to walk it. I have told Jesus that, I have yelled at Him with tears pouring down my face...WHY!!!! What good can come of this!! Don't you know my heart?! Haven't you heard my prayers, Lord?!
With tears in their eyes, each doctor we have seen has given us the option to induce labor early... to end her life because we know that the outlook isn't good. My human sin-nature side says that would make today easier...then no one would come up to me in the grocery store and ask how far along I am...if I'm excited to have a daughter...how we plan to decorate the nursery or if we are prepared to lose sleep again having a newborn in the house. I wouldn't have to fight back the tears long enough to nod my head and hurry down the isle before they saw me lose it because I didn't feel like explaining our situation with a complete stranger. This side of Heaven, it would be easier. But Christ never said our lives in Him would be easy...
I have to surrender her life (and mine) to the Lord every. single. day. because I cannot handle this on my own. It's too much...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Thankfully, there are some days that are easier than others; the busy days where we go-go-go all day and don't come up for air, those days are distracting and good, exhausting, but good. Then there are days where I've literally cried (on my knees bawling) over spilled milk because I just couldn't take one more thing going wrong. Thankfully, Drew is sensitive to my emotions right now and steps in with paper towels and hugs often. He is such an amazing support and so strong through all of this I sometimes forget he is going through it too. It's so easy to slip into a selfish "poor me" mindset right now. I have had so many people comment "you are so brave/strong/etc" but I promise, I'M NOT...I am so far from it. I share my struggles on this blog not so that you'll feel sorry for us (at all) but so that God can be glorified and people might come to Him for strength in their own times of hurt and need. I pray that the Lord uses Sadie is such a huge way. I pray her life will honor God and further the Kingdom of Heaven more than I can even imagine! I pray that as her mom I honor her and God by openly sharing our story.
I’m so glad I get to call you my daughter even though it came by marriage. If I could have chosen a daughter it would still have been you. I don’t know why you, Drew, Grant and Sadie’s are being allowed to walk this path and by default us too, but I’m grateful we serve a great big God. Thank you for sharing your heart, pain, fear AND your source of strength from the Lord...I know it’s a daily battle. Sadie’s presence has become so real for our family and my face is turned to the Lord hourly in prayer for her and her precious parents and big brother. I pray for a miracle, but I acknowledge God’s will and as you said for Him to receive the attention and glory no matter what happens.
ReplyDeleteNo words that have not already been shared ... Just tears for the pain. I love you more than you could possibly understand. Mom
ReplyDeleteJenny...a lot of us Christ followers have had life experiences that we said"God cannot be in this"...I have not been through what you have,"exactly", I have lost a child, though through miscarriage, still he/she was SO real to me...
ReplyDeleteI have experienced betrayal, reconciliation, deep disappointment in a child and their choices. You have a life partner who loves you, a supportive family, the love of a community, and of most importance, the strength ,grace, and mercy of a savior, the creator of all things, and a God who has promised only good to you...prayers for you, for Grant ,and for Drew...for wisdom and for comfort.
Pat and I continue to pray for your whole family. We love all of you and really don't know what to say to you.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what the outcome Sadie is so blessed to have you both as parents. Whether she lives or whether God takes her back home, she will sit with Jesus knowing all the love that you both have given her waiting on you to return to be with her for eternity. We love you and are continuing to pray for Miss Sadie each day. Tannie
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