Difficult News - June 29, 2018

June 29, 2018 - I'm trying to find a way to begin this post without using the words "I'm not sure where to begin..." but I truthfully don't know where to begin. Today was hard. That's all there is too it.

I woke up crying, honestly at the time I was unsure why...could be stress, anxiety, fear...I was feeling all of those emotions. When I walked into the closet where Drew was getting dressed I all but collapsed into his arms. He asked why I was upset and without thinking, the words "I think we are going to get bad news today"  fell out of my mouth. (To preface this, I felt strongly that we were going to get more clarity at this appointment.  I had told numerous people, within the past week, that I felt like this particular appointment would give us a better understanding of what was really going on, not for any reason in particular, I just had a feeling...) I never felt like it was going to be bad news until the words spilled out of my mouth. It was like the Lord was preparing my heart for the coming hours.

The doctors office was running behind today so unlike our previous appointments we were left waiting for 45 minutes past our appointment time. With every second that passed I could feel myself growing more and more angry. I wasn't really mad about the wait...I was mad that I had to be there at all. I was mad that this is our lot. That this nightmare isn't something I can just wake up from. By the time our turn rolled around I was in tears and mentally just trying to brace myself. For what, I wasn't sure...but I could feel that something was coming.

The ultrasound technician was thorough and took her time allowing us to soak up as much of our girl as we could. We got to hear her heartbeat, see her gorgeous face in 3D and even got a glimpse of her spunky personality by the way she kept kicking the scanner. Once the ultrasound was finished the tech submitted her report and told us that the doctor would need to look over it and would be in shortly to discuss the findings.

When the doctor came in she explained that Sadie's long bones (femur and humerus) were still measuring below the 5% percentile, so even though I am over 26 weeks, her leg and arm bones are measuring around 18 weeks (all of this we knew already from previous appointments). Then she began to speak a little softer and her whole demeanor just seemed to change as she explained that Sadie's chest wasn't growing at the rate they need it to...and they are afraid her form of Dysplasia will be lethal to her shortly after birth. The doctor showed us Sadie's heart and lungs (which are growing at a normal rate) in relation to her chest bones, and explained that her bones are dwarfed and eventually her organs will run out of room and without having the ability for her lungs to fully expanded, she will not be able to breathe on her own.

That was it. That was the information I was afraid of...yet I felt was coming...

My mind began racing and my heart became immensely heavy...how do I do this, Lord? I am not strong enough. I should be planning a nursery not a funeral... Jesus, please come soon. My thoughts have changed from thinking/planning weeks or months ahead to honestly just putting one foot in front of the other right now. I am not ready to face letting her go (if that is God's will), so for now, I am cherishing every kick or movement she makes because today, she is alive.

Please do not get me wrong, I absolutely believe and trust that God can snap His fingers and heal her in an instant. We are very much praying for a miracle, but if our miracle doesn't come in the way we would hope...He is still good and He is still God.

Even So Lord, It is Well.