July 3, 2018 - The 3rd Trimester

In the first trimester of pregnancy the weeks seem to drag on...it seems to take an eternity to get to each gestational milestone. To me, week 8 is the first big milestone because by then the nausea has set in and you are actually starting to show visible signs of pregnancy. Week 13 marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester and week 20 says your half way through! Week 24 is exciting because it means your baby has a good chance of surviving outside of the womb! Week 28 begins the 3rd trimester and the final milestone, your due date means the baby is coming!

This week marks one of the final milestones in my pregnancy; the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I am trying to find joy in the occasion but realistically it is just a reminder that the inevitable is coming sooner than I care to admit. At this point in my pregnancy with Grant our home was overcome with baby items! I had already started stock piling diapers in the guest closet and amazon packages were arriving almost daily with more and more baby gear. I suppose some would call it first-time mom excitement but I would call it prepared; I wanted to be as ready as I could be for our new addition. I read books on birth and how to train newborns to sleep, never in my wildest dreams did I think this pregnancy would be any different. Somehow I have found myself here, reading about skeletal dyspasia's and how to prepare for neonatal mortality. The line between the happy and vibrate side of life to the darkest of days seems unbearably thin.

Drew tells me I should give myself a break and not read these types of things but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to find myself blindsided when the day comes. I would much rather be as ready as I can be now for the worst possible situation and pray the best will happen than be prepared for the best and have the worst happen. My heart couldn't take it.

The emotional ups and downs of this road are beyond anything I can explain... one second I can be walking along, smiling, singing and just thanking God for our blessings and literally a millisecond later I am crying my eyes out because I just can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is happening to me...to us...to my little boy who wants a sibling more than anything in this world... I don't tell you this so you will feel sorry for me. Truly that is the last thing I want. I am just in need of grace right now because I feel like I am barely keeping afloat some days. Just yesterday I was walking the isles of Kroger crying my eyes out on the phone with my mom about how to guard Grant's heart from the pain of this...I can't stand the thought that this will shatter his little heart, that this might make him question God if He chooses not to heal Sadie the way we have been praying He would. I was trying to speak quietly and hide my tears but people could tell I was upset and they couldn't help but stare. The grief and stress of it all hits me at the most random and inopportune times, like the frozen foods section of my local grocery store...

I feel like I am walking on paper thin ice, like at any moment the weight of it all will become too much and the ground will crumble from beneath me. I have begged God to give me a glimpse of the next few months...what will happen when the day comes for Sadie to be born? Will we have an hour with her? A day? A lifetime?

Please Lord, just show me... I can handle it, whatever it is, I just need to know.

After I prayed this, the Lord answered me very clearly by an illustration given by Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place. When she was a child she had asked her father numerous hard questions, some of which the answers were too much for her young ears. Her father responded by asking Corrie to pick up a large suitcase and carry it over to him. She tried to lift it but it was too heavy for her, so she responded "Daddy, I can't carry it, its too heavy and I don't have the strength to lift it". He said "Exactly. Just like it would be wrong of me to ask you to carry such a heavy suitcase, it would be wrong for me to give you the answers to things you aren't ready to hear. When you become old and stronger, you will be able to carry more on your own, but for now, let me carry the things that are too much for you."

Profound. I am not strong enough to face what is coming in the next few months on my own. God is protecting my heart by not allowing me to know exactly what to expect. He is carrying my suitcase for me because I am too weak to lift it on my own.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace and strength. I could not take another day, another step or even another breathe without it. Get me through these next few months, Lord. Allow me to stand firm in your word and not be afraid of the valley of the shadow of death because God you will never leave my side. Amen.