June 29, 2018 - I'm trying to find a way to begin this post without using the words "I'm not sure where to begin..." but I truthfully don't know where to begin. Today was hard. That's all there is too it.
I woke up crying, honestly at the time I was unsure why...could be stress, anxiety, fear...I was feeling all of those emotions. When I walked into the closet where Drew was getting dressed I all but collapsed into his arms. He asked why I was upset and without thinking, the words "I think we are going to get bad news today" fell out of my mouth. (To preface this, I felt strongly that we were going to get more clarity at this appointment. I had told numerous people, within the past week, that I felt like this particular appointment would give us a better understanding of what was really going on, not for any reason in particular, I just had a feeling...) I never felt like it was going to be bad news until the words spilled out of my mouth. It was like the Lord was preparing my heart for the coming hours.
The doctors office was running behind today so unlike our previous appointments we were left waiting for 45 minutes past our appointment time. With every second that passed I could feel myself growing more and more angry. I wasn't really mad about the wait...I was mad that I had to be there at all. I was mad that this is our lot. That this nightmare isn't something I can just wake up from. By the time our turn rolled around I was in tears and mentally just trying to brace myself. For what, I wasn't sure...but I could feel that something was coming.
The ultrasound technician was thorough and took her time allowing us to soak up as much of our girl as we could. We got to hear her heartbeat, see her gorgeous face in 3D and even got a glimpse of her spunky personality by the way she kept kicking the scanner. Once the ultrasound was finished the tech submitted her report and told us that the doctor would need to look over it and would be in shortly to discuss the findings.
When the doctor came in she explained that Sadie's long bones (femur and humerus) were still measuring below the 5% percentile, so even though I am over 26 weeks, her leg and arm bones are measuring around 18 weeks (all of this we knew already from previous appointments). Then she began to speak a little softer and her whole demeanor just seemed to change as she explained that Sadie's chest wasn't growing at the rate they need it to...and they are afraid her form of Dysplasia will be lethal to her shortly after birth. The doctor showed us Sadie's heart and lungs (which are growing at a normal rate) in relation to her chest bones, and explained that her bones are dwarfed and eventually her organs will run out of room and without having the ability for her lungs to fully expanded, she will not be able to breathe on her own.
That was it. That was the information I was afraid of...yet I felt was coming...
My mind began racing and my heart became immensely heavy...how do I do this, Lord? I am not strong enough. I should be planning a nursery not a funeral... Jesus, please come soon. My thoughts have changed from thinking/planning weeks or months ahead to honestly just putting one foot in front of the other right now. I am not ready to face letting her go (if that is God's will), so for now, I am cherishing every kick or movement she makes because today, she is alive.
Please do not get me wrong, I absolutely believe and trust that God can snap His fingers and heal her in an instant. We are very much praying for a miracle, but if our miracle doesn't come in the way we would hope...He is still good and He is still God.
Even So Lord, It is Well.
Friday, June 29, 2018
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Daily Struggles 6-9-2018
I'm not sure where exactly to begin...I didn't feel like getting online and writing this today but if being 100% raw and sharing my heart through this blog can possibly help someone else going through the same thing, than it is worth it.
This week I am 24 weeks pregnant. Viability week. This week is a major milestone in pregnancy because it is the week that doctors say is the earliest a baby can be born and have a decent chance of survival. I remember the relief I felt when I hit 24 weeks pregnant with Grant. Virtually all fear had subsided and I was basking in the last few months of my pregnancy, very unlike what I am feeling currently.
As each week passes I am reminded that the day is coming...the day I will give birth to our girl. I wish I knew what that day was going to look like...right now everything is up in the air. Will she be still born? Will we get to spend a few minutes/hours/days with her? Will this end up being something she can live with? None of these things we know for sure yet...hopefully as our pregnancy progresses those answers will become more clear. As of now, the 3 types of Dysplasia they are most concerned about show a life expectancy of 24 hours...How do you prepare for that? How do you let you heart become okay with knowing this baby you've already fallen in love with will be stripped away from you? It makes each new week more painful than the last. I am trying so hard to enjoy her while I have her and not worry or stress about the future but I'm human. My mind wonders. FAR. Fear sets in and I allow Satan to beat me up. Satan loves that I'm mad...he loves that I am scared...he loves that I feel guilt and worry.
Trust me, I know all of these things are not from God, in His word He has promised me He won't ever leave me nor forsake me and that His plan is greater than mine. But y'all...this road wasn't in my plan...and I don't want to have to walk it. I have told Jesus that, I have yelled at Him with tears pouring down my face...WHY!!!! What good can come of this!! Don't you know my heart?! Haven't you heard my prayers, Lord?!
With tears in their eyes, each doctor we have seen has given us the option to induce labor early... to end her life because we know that the outlook isn't good. My human sin-nature side says that would make today easier...then no one would come up to me in the grocery store and ask how far along I am...if I'm excited to have a daughter...how we plan to decorate the nursery or if we are prepared to lose sleep again having a newborn in the house. I wouldn't have to fight back the tears long enough to nod my head and hurry down the isle before they saw me lose it because I didn't feel like explaining our situation with a complete stranger. This side of Heaven, it would be easier. But Christ never said our lives in Him would be easy...
I have to surrender her life (and mine) to the Lord every. single. day. because I cannot handle this on my own. It's too much...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Thankfully, there are some days that are easier than others; the busy days where we go-go-go all day and don't come up for air, those days are distracting and good, exhausting, but good. Then there are days where I've literally cried (on my knees bawling) over spilled milk because I just couldn't take one more thing going wrong. Thankfully, Drew is sensitive to my emotions right now and steps in with paper towels and hugs often. He is such an amazing support and so strong through all of this I sometimes forget he is going through it too. It's so easy to slip into a selfish "poor me" mindset right now. I have had so many people comment "you are so brave/strong/etc" but I promise, I'M NOT...I am so far from it. I share my struggles on this blog not so that you'll feel sorry for us (at all) but so that God can be glorified and people might come to Him for strength in their own times of hurt and need. I pray that the Lord uses Sadie is such a huge way. I pray her life will honor God and further the Kingdom of Heaven more than I can even imagine! I pray that as her mom I honor her and God by openly sharing our story.
This week I am 24 weeks pregnant. Viability week. This week is a major milestone in pregnancy because it is the week that doctors say is the earliest a baby can be born and have a decent chance of survival. I remember the relief I felt when I hit 24 weeks pregnant with Grant. Virtually all fear had subsided and I was basking in the last few months of my pregnancy, very unlike what I am feeling currently.
As each week passes I am reminded that the day is coming...the day I will give birth to our girl. I wish I knew what that day was going to look like...right now everything is up in the air. Will she be still born? Will we get to spend a few minutes/hours/days with her? Will this end up being something she can live with? None of these things we know for sure yet...hopefully as our pregnancy progresses those answers will become more clear. As of now, the 3 types of Dysplasia they are most concerned about show a life expectancy of 24 hours...How do you prepare for that? How do you let you heart become okay with knowing this baby you've already fallen in love with will be stripped away from you? It makes each new week more painful than the last. I am trying so hard to enjoy her while I have her and not worry or stress about the future but I'm human. My mind wonders. FAR. Fear sets in and I allow Satan to beat me up. Satan loves that I'm mad...he loves that I am scared...he loves that I feel guilt and worry.
Trust me, I know all of these things are not from God, in His word He has promised me He won't ever leave me nor forsake me and that His plan is greater than mine. But y'all...this road wasn't in my plan...and I don't want to have to walk it. I have told Jesus that, I have yelled at Him with tears pouring down my face...WHY!!!! What good can come of this!! Don't you know my heart?! Haven't you heard my prayers, Lord?!
With tears in their eyes, each doctor we have seen has given us the option to induce labor early... to end her life because we know that the outlook isn't good. My human sin-nature side says that would make today easier...then no one would come up to me in the grocery store and ask how far along I am...if I'm excited to have a daughter...how we plan to decorate the nursery or if we are prepared to lose sleep again having a newborn in the house. I wouldn't have to fight back the tears long enough to nod my head and hurry down the isle before they saw me lose it because I didn't feel like explaining our situation with a complete stranger. This side of Heaven, it would be easier. But Christ never said our lives in Him would be easy...
I have to surrender her life (and mine) to the Lord every. single. day. because I cannot handle this on my own. It's too much...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Thankfully, there are some days that are easier than others; the busy days where we go-go-go all day and don't come up for air, those days are distracting and good, exhausting, but good. Then there are days where I've literally cried (on my knees bawling) over spilled milk because I just couldn't take one more thing going wrong. Thankfully, Drew is sensitive to my emotions right now and steps in with paper towels and hugs often. He is such an amazing support and so strong through all of this I sometimes forget he is going through it too. It's so easy to slip into a selfish "poor me" mindset right now. I have had so many people comment "you are so brave/strong/etc" but I promise, I'M NOT...I am so far from it. I share my struggles on this blog not so that you'll feel sorry for us (at all) but so that God can be glorified and people might come to Him for strength in their own times of hurt and need. I pray that the Lord uses Sadie is such a huge way. I pray her life will honor God and further the Kingdom of Heaven more than I can even imagine! I pray that as her mom I honor her and God by openly sharing our story.
Friday, June 1, 2018
Follow Up Appointment & CT Results June 1, 2018
Hey There,
I wish I had better news to share...unfortunately, our follow up didn't give much new information. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor brought in a specialist that has studied Skeletal Dysplasia cases for the past 30+ years to review the CT scan and our ultrasound today to hopefully give a firm diagnosis. The specialist explained that Sadie definitely has some type of Skeletal Dysplasia, that they know for certain, but they aren't able to pinpoint exactly which type she has because she is presenting symptoms for numerous forms.
They are still unable to tell us for sure whether she will survive outside of the womb, but from what they are seeing, if she does, she will not ever have normal leg or arm function and will be wheelchair bound. (This is due to the lack of calcification in the bones of her spine and hips; as well as club foot - the doctor explained that her club foot is so severe that the top of her foot actually touches her shin...y'all this BROKE my heart). As of today, her heart, brains and lungs look normal which is great news, but if her chest growth slows and doesn't form properly her chest will not have room to support her lungs which can be fatal to her.
We left feeling overwhelmed and confused... we were really hoping this CT would provide more clarity and at least allow us to mentally prepare for what we will be facing in the coming months. I will not lie to you and say this is easy y'all. I have cried all day... cried over my girl...cried over how this will affect Grant...cried over the things mean people will say about her. I'm human and I cannot comprehend why this is happening to us or how this could possibly be used for good, but I'm learning to trust without understanding.Drew and I are both mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED but we are leaning on God, each other and your prayers for endurance.
~Jenny
I wish I had better news to share...unfortunately, our follow up didn't give much new information. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor brought in a specialist that has studied Skeletal Dysplasia cases for the past 30+ years to review the CT scan and our ultrasound today to hopefully give a firm diagnosis. The specialist explained that Sadie definitely has some type of Skeletal Dysplasia, that they know for certain, but they aren't able to pinpoint exactly which type she has because she is presenting symptoms for numerous forms.
They are still unable to tell us for sure whether she will survive outside of the womb, but from what they are seeing, if she does, she will not ever have normal leg or arm function and will be wheelchair bound. (This is due to the lack of calcification in the bones of her spine and hips; as well as club foot - the doctor explained that her club foot is so severe that the top of her foot actually touches her shin...y'all this BROKE my heart). As of today, her heart, brains and lungs look normal which is great news, but if her chest growth slows and doesn't form properly her chest will not have room to support her lungs which can be fatal to her.
We left feeling overwhelmed and confused... we were really hoping this CT would provide more clarity and at least allow us to mentally prepare for what we will be facing in the coming months. I will not lie to you and say this is easy y'all. I have cried all day... cried over my girl...cried over how this will affect Grant...cried over the things mean people will say about her. I'm human and I cannot comprehend why this is happening to us or how this could possibly be used for good, but I'm learning to trust without understanding.Drew and I are both mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED but we are leaning on God, each other and your prayers for endurance.
~Jenny
Thursday, May 31, 2018
CT Scan - May 31, 2018
Friends and Family,
Thank you dearly for your continued prayer and encouragement for our family! Drew and I have received more calls and texts than we can count saying you are praying for our sweet Sadie. She is already so loved and blessed by you; words cannot express our gratitude for that!
I wish I could sit down with each of you individually and share everything we have learned so far but due to the outpouring of love and support, there are just too many of you and there just isn't enough time... (what a blessing!)
Today we had a fetal CT scan at Children's Memorial Hermann Downtown. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor initially suggested an MRI but after speaking with other fetal specialists, they, as a team, felt that a CT scan would give a more accurate picture. We were instructed to check-in at my MFM doctor's office first. The radiologist did a very brief (less than 5 minute) ultrasound to see exactly where my uterus started and stopped and then used metal stickers to clearly define where the scan should be targeted. The scan itself took less than 15 seconds once I was positioned on the table. Modern medicine still blows my mind...the idea that a machine can draw a complete 3D picture of every bone in my unborn baby's body amazes me!
As far as CT results go...we have our follow up appointment tomorrow June 1, 2018 at 1:00pm. At this appointment our MFM doctors will do yet another in depth ultrasound (no complaints here, I love seeing my baby girl so often!!), sit down with our team of doctors and share the findings from the CT scan! Numerous people have asked me "Why do this testing? Is it going to change your mind about continuing the pregnancy?" The answer? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Our doctors have been wonderful to respect our wishes to carry this baby for as long as the Lord allows us to! The reason for the testing is so that the doctors know how to move forward with her care. We are unsure whether or not she will make it to birth but if she does, the doctors need to know how to treat her and be able to form a treatment plan and team to give her the best chance of survival!
The road ahead is long, unknown and quite scary. As I was talking with a friend at church on Sunday I was whining that I HATE not knowing what tomorrow will look like for our Sadie, what the next 5 years will look like for our family...She just smiled and said "None of us are promised tomorrow...no one knows what life holds..." It was a "should have had a V8" moment...Of course we don't...I know that...But this wasn't in MY plan! I took a step back and noticed that what I was mad about was the loss of my false sense of control. Any control we think we have is false... You can plan your life or even the next hour of your life...but its not guaranteed. I was grateful for the gentle reminder that God is in ultimate control...my grip is loosened and my hands are open.
"the LORD gives, and the LORD takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21
~Jenny
Thank you dearly for your continued prayer and encouragement for our family! Drew and I have received more calls and texts than we can count saying you are praying for our sweet Sadie. She is already so loved and blessed by you; words cannot express our gratitude for that!
I wish I could sit down with each of you individually and share everything we have learned so far but due to the outpouring of love and support, there are just too many of you and there just isn't enough time... (what a blessing!)
Today we had a fetal CT scan at Children's Memorial Hermann Downtown. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor initially suggested an MRI but after speaking with other fetal specialists, they, as a team, felt that a CT scan would give a more accurate picture. We were instructed to check-in at my MFM doctor's office first. The radiologist did a very brief (less than 5 minute) ultrasound to see exactly where my uterus started and stopped and then used metal stickers to clearly define where the scan should be targeted. The scan itself took less than 15 seconds once I was positioned on the table. Modern medicine still blows my mind...the idea that a machine can draw a complete 3D picture of every bone in my unborn baby's body amazes me!
As far as CT results go...we have our follow up appointment tomorrow June 1, 2018 at 1:00pm. At this appointment our MFM doctors will do yet another in depth ultrasound (no complaints here, I love seeing my baby girl so often!!), sit down with our team of doctors and share the findings from the CT scan! Numerous people have asked me "Why do this testing? Is it going to change your mind about continuing the pregnancy?" The answer? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Our doctors have been wonderful to respect our wishes to carry this baby for as long as the Lord allows us to! The reason for the testing is so that the doctors know how to move forward with her care. We are unsure whether or not she will make it to birth but if she does, the doctors need to know how to treat her and be able to form a treatment plan and team to give her the best chance of survival!
The road ahead is long, unknown and quite scary. As I was talking with a friend at church on Sunday I was whining that I HATE not knowing what tomorrow will look like for our Sadie, what the next 5 years will look like for our family...She just smiled and said "None of us are promised tomorrow...no one knows what life holds..." It was a "should have had a V8" moment...Of course we don't...I know that...But this wasn't in MY plan! I took a step back and noticed that what I was mad about was the loss of my false sense of control. Any control we think we have is false... You can plan your life or even the next hour of your life...but its not guaranteed. I was grateful for the gentle reminder that God is in ultimate control...my grip is loosened and my hands are open.
"the LORD gives, and the LORD takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21
~Jenny
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Sadie's Story
First of all, thank you for being here. The Lord impressed upon my heart to start this blog not only as a means to easily share updates and prayer needs but as a testimony of our baby’s life. I pray that this site will be a ministry and that God will use Sadie’s story to further His Kingdom!
So, let’s start at the very beginning. Hi, I'm Jenny. I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Sadie Hampton. My husband, Drew, and I have been married for 6 years and have an almost 4 year old son, Grant. We have had 3 miscarriages in the past (one before Grant, and two after). After our 3rd miscarriage we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to get more answers as to why this kept happening to us. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and given medication to help my body be able to sustain a pregnancy. After a few weeks on 1000mg of Metformin, I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully, everything seemed to be going really well, so at 14 weeks we announced our pregnancy to the world via social media. Just a few weeks later we had our 16 week ultrasound where we were told we were expecting a little girl. At that appointment we were told her femur was measuring a little small but it was still on track so nothing to be concerned with. Or so we thought...
This brings us to where we are now...
May 3, 2018 - (18 weeks and 2 days pregnant) I went into my doctors office for a little spotting. It wasn't too frightening because I had experienced spotting when I was pregnant with Grant, but for my own peace of mind I decided an ultrasound would make me feel better since I hadn't felt her kick yet. My doctor was out of the office so they scheduled me for an ultrasound and nurse visit. When they turned on the ultrasound machine I could immediately see her moving around and all fear was gone. I had noticed that the tech was taking a little longer than normal. She measured the babies femur at least 4 times. Each measurement came back about 4 weeks behind where it should have been. After she was through with the scan, she asked if I was scheduled to see a doctor, I replied no, that today was only supposed to be a nurse visit. She said "Okay, I'm going to see if there is another doctor that can speak with you..." This was my first inclination something wasn't quite right. I immediately felt more concerned than when I went in. The nurse came in and explained that my doctor was out of town but that she had another doctor look and he doesn't see anything wrong with the bleeding... She said nothing of the measurements. When I asked, she would only respond with "I'm going to have Dr. G call you in the morning." or "Your doctor will be able to give you more information...". Believe me, I know this is how she is required to respond but at that point I KNEW something wasn't right and I wanted to know what it was! When I got in my car I began googling to see what these particular measurements could mean...most of what I was finding was Trisomy 13,18 and 21. Of course my heart wasn't prepared for any of these but I had become okay with the thought of our baby having Down Syndrome, as long as it wasn't lethal like the other two...
The next morning (Friday, May 4, 2018) at 8:15am while eating breakfast at Chick-Fil-A with some friends the doctor called from his cell phone. He explained that the baby's femur and humerus measurements were weeks behind where they needed to be and that he wanted me to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. He then explained that he had already set an appointment that same day 9:45am because he didn't think I needed to go through the weekend wondering what was going on. Thankfully, Drew and his mom, Brenda, were able to meet me at the doctor's office. Little did I know the next hour of my life would be the worst yet. They did an ultrasound first, it took about an hour...I noticed the technician measuring and remeasuring the same bones they were worried about the day before. We could see on the screen that things didn't look exactly right...but at this point we still had no idea what was in store. After what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in. She was so soft spoken and kind. She began asking if anyone in our family had any birth defects or mental retardation. I began sobbing. She told us that the baby's bones were not developing properly and that she had a form a Skeletal Dysplasia. I began asking what that meant and how that would affect her into childhood. She gently put her hand on my knee and softly explained that the type our baby is presenting would likely take her life before she is born, and if she does make it to birth, she won't likely live for more than a few hours. I squeezed Drew's hand with what little strength I had left. He held on tightly as if to say, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here and we will get through this. The hours that followed were a complete blur...we met with a genetic counselor that went over additional testing we needed to have done, we called family, but mostly we wept together over the life of our girl.
We want nothing more than to have her here with us on earth, to watch her grow up, to take her to ballet lessons, to watch her walk down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams, and watch her become a mother herself but the Lord has made clear to us that He has other plans. We still don't know what lies ahead. Even day to day, how things will change, but we are praying for grace and strength to take each day as it comes. We ask for your prayers...prayers for healing for our girl. We know that God is the great physician and that with one breath He can restore our baby here on earth, but we also know that He may choose to ultimately heal her by taking her to Heaven. We are accepting His will. Its hard to comprehend at times like this but God loves her even more than Drew and I, and if her heavenly father decides to bring her home to glory, than we know that there is a purpose in that as well. God has big plans for her life, no matter how long or short it is.
As I mourn, the words of the old hymn It is Well replay in my mind, "Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." It is so hard to surrender control and say "Whatever my lot"...whatever I have, whatever comes my way You, Jesus, have taught me to say, it is well with my soul. I am not fully there yet but I am working to get there, I want the Lord to be honored with how we, as a family, choose to respond to this devastation in our life. Jesus is a God of restoration and I know in His timing He will bring beauty from these ashes.
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul."
Jenny
So, let’s start at the very beginning. Hi, I'm Jenny. I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Sadie Hampton. My husband, Drew, and I have been married for 6 years and have an almost 4 year old son, Grant. We have had 3 miscarriages in the past (one before Grant, and two after). After our 3rd miscarriage we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to get more answers as to why this kept happening to us. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and given medication to help my body be able to sustain a pregnancy. After a few weeks on 1000mg of Metformin, I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully, everything seemed to be going really well, so at 14 weeks we announced our pregnancy to the world via social media. Just a few weeks later we had our 16 week ultrasound where we were told we were expecting a little girl. At that appointment we were told her femur was measuring a little small but it was still on track so nothing to be concerned with. Or so we thought...
This brings us to where we are now...
May 3, 2018 - (18 weeks and 2 days pregnant) I went into my doctors office for a little spotting. It wasn't too frightening because I had experienced spotting when I was pregnant with Grant, but for my own peace of mind I decided an ultrasound would make me feel better since I hadn't felt her kick yet. My doctor was out of the office so they scheduled me for an ultrasound and nurse visit. When they turned on the ultrasound machine I could immediately see her moving around and all fear was gone. I had noticed that the tech was taking a little longer than normal. She measured the babies femur at least 4 times. Each measurement came back about 4 weeks behind where it should have been. After she was through with the scan, she asked if I was scheduled to see a doctor, I replied no, that today was only supposed to be a nurse visit. She said "Okay, I'm going to see if there is another doctor that can speak with you..." This was my first inclination something wasn't quite right. I immediately felt more concerned than when I went in. The nurse came in and explained that my doctor was out of town but that she had another doctor look and he doesn't see anything wrong with the bleeding... She said nothing of the measurements. When I asked, she would only respond with "I'm going to have Dr. G call you in the morning." or "Your doctor will be able to give you more information...". Believe me, I know this is how she is required to respond but at that point I KNEW something wasn't right and I wanted to know what it was! When I got in my car I began googling to see what these particular measurements could mean...most of what I was finding was Trisomy 13,18 and 21. Of course my heart wasn't prepared for any of these but I had become okay with the thought of our baby having Down Syndrome, as long as it wasn't lethal like the other two...
The next morning (Friday, May 4, 2018) at 8:15am while eating breakfast at Chick-Fil-A with some friends the doctor called from his cell phone. He explained that the baby's femur and humerus measurements were weeks behind where they needed to be and that he wanted me to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. He then explained that he had already set an appointment that same day 9:45am because he didn't think I needed to go through the weekend wondering what was going on. Thankfully, Drew and his mom, Brenda, were able to meet me at the doctor's office. Little did I know the next hour of my life would be the worst yet. They did an ultrasound first, it took about an hour...I noticed the technician measuring and remeasuring the same bones they were worried about the day before. We could see on the screen that things didn't look exactly right...but at this point we still had no idea what was in store. After what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in. She was so soft spoken and kind. She began asking if anyone in our family had any birth defects or mental retardation. I began sobbing. She told us that the baby's bones were not developing properly and that she had a form a Skeletal Dysplasia. I began asking what that meant and how that would affect her into childhood. She gently put her hand on my knee and softly explained that the type our baby is presenting would likely take her life before she is born, and if she does make it to birth, she won't likely live for more than a few hours. I squeezed Drew's hand with what little strength I had left. He held on tightly as if to say, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here and we will get through this. The hours that followed were a complete blur...we met with a genetic counselor that went over additional testing we needed to have done, we called family, but mostly we wept together over the life of our girl.
We want nothing more than to have her here with us on earth, to watch her grow up, to take her to ballet lessons, to watch her walk down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams, and watch her become a mother herself but the Lord has made clear to us that He has other plans. We still don't know what lies ahead. Even day to day, how things will change, but we are praying for grace and strength to take each day as it comes. We ask for your prayers...prayers for healing for our girl. We know that God is the great physician and that with one breath He can restore our baby here on earth, but we also know that He may choose to ultimately heal her by taking her to Heaven. We are accepting His will. Its hard to comprehend at times like this but God loves her even more than Drew and I, and if her heavenly father decides to bring her home to glory, than we know that there is a purpose in that as well. God has big plans for her life, no matter how long or short it is.
As I mourn, the words of the old hymn It is Well replay in my mind, "Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." It is so hard to surrender control and say "Whatever my lot"...whatever I have, whatever comes my way You, Jesus, have taught me to say, it is well with my soul. I am not fully there yet but I am working to get there, I want the Lord to be honored with how we, as a family, choose to respond to this devastation in our life. Jesus is a God of restoration and I know in His timing He will bring beauty from these ashes.
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul."
Jenny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)