A few photos - Sadie Hampton 8-6-2018

Our daughter, Sadie Hampton Ladd, was born on August 6, 2018 at 2:28pm and went to be with her Savior at 3:23pm. She was 3lbs 6oz and 12 inches long. 

I will post her birth story soon but for now I wanted to share a few images captured from Sadie’s birth. Please understand these are not just photos to me, these are treasures - priceless memories from our short time with our baby girl. 

Hospital Update: 31 weeks

Hi Friends,

I wanted to hop on and share a brief update. You all have been so amazing to reach out with your words of encouragement and offering of prayer. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing group of people that genuinely share and feel our hurt. Thank you.

This past Monday (July 30, 2018) while were enjoying lunch at Chick-Fil-A with some girlfriends I began to have some contractions. I didn't think much of them since they weren't too painful and were easy to ignore while chatting with the girls. After about an hour I had counted about 15 contractions so I decided it was time to text my doctor and get his opinion. He suggested I go straight to Labor and Delivery but I was sure this wasn't anything to get "worked up" over so I asked if I could just come in for a quick office visit instead. Once I got to my OBGYN's office they hooked me up to a monitor and within 4 minutes I had three contractions -- so I was sent directly over to the hospital.

When I got to triage in L&D they whisked me into a room to get things checked out. I was 2 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced while my contractions were toppling over each other, I was absolutely in preterm labor. I will admit that this next hour of my life was one of the most terrifying... for the first time it felt real. Like the day that I have been fearing the most was upon us WAY sooner than we could have ever imagined. Since I am only 31 weeks the Neonatologist's have explained that if Sadie should come now that there is a very real chance she would be stillborn or if she is born alive that we would be looking at mere minutes with her. We all understand her prognosis will not be good no matter what gestation she is born, but if we are able to keep her inside just a few more weeks it would possibly give us more time with her so that is the route we are on now.

As of  now, our doctors have been able to slow the contractions down a bit but have not been able to completely stop them. They have asked that we stay in the hospital through the weekend to see if they can get the contractions manageable enough on oral medication so that we could head home but if they aren't able to get them under control by Sunday we will just have to let my body go ahead and deliver.

So we wait... we have no idea what the next week, day or even hour will hold. We humbly ask for your continued prayers. I have become very aware of how little control I really have lately... For someone who likes to be in charge this isn't the most enjoyable feeling but I am learning to fully rely on God and allow Him to carry us through all of this.

30 Week Appointment Update 7-21-2018

 First of all, please let me apologize for being so late to update you on our latest specialist appointment. You all have been so sweet to reach out in concern for our family; it truly means the world to us! Thank you!

This past Friday we met with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and then a Neonatologist that works for the children's Hospital. The first hour was spent doing an in depth ultrasound. The technician was precious and took her time getting us the most perfect 3D pictures of Sadie's face!

Isn't she gorgeous? I am so grateful we have these photos of our girl!

Once the ultrasound was over the doctor came in an explained that Sadie's arms and legs have essentially stopped growing and are still measuring 18-19 weeks which is the same size they were at our last appointment three weeks ago. Her head and stomach are measuring on track at 30 weeks but the issue of her chest size still remains and unfortunately isn't getting any better. Her heart is growing at a normal rate but the bones in her chest are still extremely small. Since there is no room for expansion in her little chest, her heart and lungs are constricted which won't allow her to breathe on her own outside of my womb. 

People have asked me "can't they just expand her chest so that she her heart and lungs have more room" but unfortunately its not that simple. I so wish it was... The doctors have explained to us that even if they were to break and expand her chest plate it wouldn't help her in the long run because its only a temporary fix. 

After we met with our MFM doctor we were introduced to the Neonatologist. She was so kind and understanding of our situation. When she spoke to us it was with genuine concern and sentiment for what we were going through; I was so grateful for that. She explained to us that there isn't much they can do for Sadie once she's born - the most they could do is put her on a ventalator to prolong our time with her. Of course, our next question was "How much time do you think we will get to spend with her alive without major intervention?". She said she was unsure but it could be anywhere from minutes to several hours. 9 months carrying her in my womb and mere minutes in our arms. I am not ready for what's coming. 

Delivery day seems so far away but the reality of it is as each day passes we are another day closer to the birth and potential death of our only daughter. I get extremely overwhelmed imagining how that day is going to look... how it will feel leaving the hospital with empty arms...how the recovery will be even harder in every way...physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm going to be honest and tell you that when Drew and I began talking about trying to have another baby after our last miscarriage this wasn't even on our radar. We were bracing ourselves for another miscarriage or bringing home a new baby... it was black and white. This gray area we are in has me shaken to the core. Don't get me wrong, my faith isn't shaken but my outlook on life has shifted completely.

Life isn't about presenting your best self to show the world how "perfect" YOU are..it's about showing and sharing your scars to show how "human" we are and how much we ALL need a Savior. 

July 3, 2018 - The 3rd Trimester

In the first trimester of pregnancy the weeks seem to drag on...it seems to take an eternity to get to each gestational milestone. To me, week 8 is the first big milestone because by then the nausea has set in and you are actually starting to show visible signs of pregnancy. Week 13 marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester and week 20 says your half way through! Week 24 is exciting because it means your baby has a good chance of surviving outside of the womb! Week 28 begins the 3rd trimester and the final milestone, your due date means the baby is coming!

This week marks one of the final milestones in my pregnancy; the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I am trying to find joy in the occasion but realistically it is just a reminder that the inevitable is coming sooner than I care to admit. At this point in my pregnancy with Grant our home was overcome with baby items! I had already started stock piling diapers in the guest closet and amazon packages were arriving almost daily with more and more baby gear. I suppose some would call it first-time mom excitement but I would call it prepared; I wanted to be as ready as I could be for our new addition. I read books on birth and how to train newborns to sleep, never in my wildest dreams did I think this pregnancy would be any different. Somehow I have found myself here, reading about skeletal dyspasia's and how to prepare for neonatal mortality. The line between the happy and vibrate side of life to the darkest of days seems unbearably thin.

Drew tells me I should give myself a break and not read these types of things but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to find myself blindsided when the day comes. I would much rather be as ready as I can be now for the worst possible situation and pray the best will happen than be prepared for the best and have the worst happen. My heart couldn't take it.

The emotional ups and downs of this road are beyond anything I can explain... one second I can be walking along, smiling, singing and just thanking God for our blessings and literally a millisecond later I am crying my eyes out because I just can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is happening to me...to us...to my little boy who wants a sibling more than anything in this world... I don't tell you this so you will feel sorry for me. Truly that is the last thing I want. I am just in need of grace right now because I feel like I am barely keeping afloat some days. Just yesterday I was walking the isles of Kroger crying my eyes out on the phone with my mom about how to guard Grant's heart from the pain of this...I can't stand the thought that this will shatter his little heart, that this might make him question God if He chooses not to heal Sadie the way we have been praying He would. I was trying to speak quietly and hide my tears but people could tell I was upset and they couldn't help but stare. The grief and stress of it all hits me at the most random and inopportune times, like the frozen foods section of my local grocery store...

I feel like I am walking on paper thin ice, like at any moment the weight of it all will become too much and the ground will crumble from beneath me. I have begged God to give me a glimpse of the next few months...what will happen when the day comes for Sadie to be born? Will we have an hour with her? A day? A lifetime?

Please Lord, just show me... I can handle it, whatever it is, I just need to know.

After I prayed this, the Lord answered me very clearly by an illustration given by Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place. When she was a child she had asked her father numerous hard questions, some of which the answers were too much for her young ears. Her father responded by asking Corrie to pick up a large suitcase and carry it over to him. She tried to lift it but it was too heavy for her, so she responded "Daddy, I can't carry it, its too heavy and I don't have the strength to lift it". He said "Exactly. Just like it would be wrong of me to ask you to carry such a heavy suitcase, it would be wrong for me to give you the answers to things you aren't ready to hear. When you become old and stronger, you will be able to carry more on your own, but for now, let me carry the things that are too much for you."

Profound. I am not strong enough to face what is coming in the next few months on my own. God is protecting my heart by not allowing me to know exactly what to expect. He is carrying my suitcase for me because I am too weak to lift it on my own.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace and strength. I could not take another day, another step or even another breathe without it. Get me through these next few months, Lord. Allow me to stand firm in your word and not be afraid of the valley of the shadow of death because God you will never leave my side. Amen.

Difficult News - June 29, 2018

June 29, 2018 - I'm trying to find a way to begin this post without using the words "I'm not sure where to begin..." but I truthfully don't know where to begin. Today was hard. That's all there is too it.

I woke up crying, honestly at the time I was unsure why...could be stress, anxiety, fear...I was feeling all of those emotions. When I walked into the closet where Drew was getting dressed I all but collapsed into his arms. He asked why I was upset and without thinking, the words "I think we are going to get bad news today"  fell out of my mouth. (To preface this, I felt strongly that we were going to get more clarity at this appointment.  I had told numerous people, within the past week, that I felt like this particular appointment would give us a better understanding of what was really going on, not for any reason in particular, I just had a feeling...) I never felt like it was going to be bad news until the words spilled out of my mouth. It was like the Lord was preparing my heart for the coming hours.

The doctors office was running behind today so unlike our previous appointments we were left waiting for 45 minutes past our appointment time. With every second that passed I could feel myself growing more and more angry. I wasn't really mad about the wait...I was mad that I had to be there at all. I was mad that this is our lot. That this nightmare isn't something I can just wake up from. By the time our turn rolled around I was in tears and mentally just trying to brace myself. For what, I wasn't sure...but I could feel that something was coming.

The ultrasound technician was thorough and took her time allowing us to soak up as much of our girl as we could. We got to hear her heartbeat, see her gorgeous face in 3D and even got a glimpse of her spunky personality by the way she kept kicking the scanner. Once the ultrasound was finished the tech submitted her report and told us that the doctor would need to look over it and would be in shortly to discuss the findings.

When the doctor came in she explained that Sadie's long bones (femur and humerus) were still measuring below the 5% percentile, so even though I am over 26 weeks, her leg and arm bones are measuring around 18 weeks (all of this we knew already from previous appointments). Then she began to speak a little softer and her whole demeanor just seemed to change as she explained that Sadie's chest wasn't growing at the rate they need it to...and they are afraid her form of Dysplasia will be lethal to her shortly after birth. The doctor showed us Sadie's heart and lungs (which are growing at a normal rate) in relation to her chest bones, and explained that her bones are dwarfed and eventually her organs will run out of room and without having the ability for her lungs to fully expanded, she will not be able to breathe on her own.

That was it. That was the information I was afraid of...yet I felt was coming...

My mind began racing and my heart became immensely heavy...how do I do this, Lord? I am not strong enough. I should be planning a nursery not a funeral... Jesus, please come soon. My thoughts have changed from thinking/planning weeks or months ahead to honestly just putting one foot in front of the other right now. I am not ready to face letting her go (if that is God's will), so for now, I am cherishing every kick or movement she makes because today, she is alive.

Please do not get me wrong, I absolutely believe and trust that God can snap His fingers and heal her in an instant. We are very much praying for a miracle, but if our miracle doesn't come in the way we would hope...He is still good and He is still God.

Even So Lord, It is Well.

Daily Struggles 6-9-2018

I'm not sure where exactly to begin...I didn't feel like getting online and writing this today but if being 100% raw and sharing my heart through this blog can possibly help someone else going through the same thing, than it is worth it.

This week I am 24 weeks pregnant. Viability week. This week is a major milestone in pregnancy because it is the week that doctors say is the earliest a baby can be born and have a decent chance of survival. I remember the relief I felt when I hit 24 weeks pregnant with Grant. Virtually all fear had subsided and I was basking in the last few months of my pregnancy, very unlike what I am feeling currently.

As each week passes I am reminded that the day is coming...the day I will give birth to our girl. I wish I knew what that day was going to look like...right now everything is up in the air. Will she be still born? Will we get to spend a few minutes/hours/days with her? Will this end up being something she can live with? None of these things we know for sure yet...hopefully as our pregnancy progresses those answers will become more clear. As of now, the 3 types of Dysplasia they are most concerned about show a life expectancy of 24 hours...How do you prepare for that? How do you let you heart become okay with knowing this baby you've already fallen in love with will be stripped away from you? It makes each new week more painful than the last. I am trying so hard to enjoy her while I have her and not worry or stress about the future but I'm human. My mind wonders. FAR. Fear sets in and I allow Satan to beat me up. Satan loves that I'm mad...he loves that I am scared...he loves that I feel guilt and worry.

Trust me, I know all of these things are not from God, in His word He has promised me He won't ever leave me nor forsake me and that His plan is greater than mine. But y'all...this road wasn't in my plan...and I don't want to have to walk it. I have told Jesus that, I have yelled at Him with tears pouring down my face...WHY!!!! What good can come of this!! Don't you know my heart?! Haven't you heard my prayers, Lord?!

With tears in their eyes, each doctor we have seen has given us the option to induce labor early... to end her life because we know that the outlook isn't good. My human sin-nature side says that would make today easier...then no one would come up to me in the grocery store and ask how far along I am...if I'm excited to have a daughter...how we plan to decorate the nursery or if we are prepared to lose sleep again having a newborn in the house. I wouldn't have to fight back the tears long enough to nod my head and hurry down the isle before they saw me lose it because I didn't feel like explaining our situation with a complete stranger. This side of Heaven, it would be easier. But Christ never said our lives in Him would be easy...

I have to surrender her life (and mine) to the Lord every. single. day. because I cannot handle this on my own.  It's too much...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Thankfully, there are some days that are easier than others; the busy days where we go-go-go all day and don't come up for air, those days are distracting and good, exhausting, but good. Then there are days where I've literally cried (on my knees bawling) over spilled milk because I just couldn't take one more thing going wrong. Thankfully, Drew is sensitive to my emotions right now and steps in with paper towels and hugs often. He is such an amazing support and so strong through all of this I sometimes forget he is going through it too. It's so easy to slip into a selfish "poor me" mindset right now. I have had so many people comment "you are so brave/strong/etc" but I promise, I'M NOT...I am so far from it. I share my struggles on this blog not so that you'll feel sorry for us (at all) but so that God can be glorified and people might come to Him for strength in their own times of hurt and need. I pray that the Lord uses Sadie is such a huge way. I pray her life will honor God and further the Kingdom of Heaven more than I can even imagine! I pray that as her mom I honor her and God by openly sharing our story.

Follow Up Appointment & CT Results June 1, 2018

Hey There,

I wish I had better news to share...unfortunately, our follow up didn't give much new information. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor brought in a specialist that has studied Skeletal Dysplasia cases for the past 30+ years to review the CT scan and our ultrasound today to hopefully give a firm diagnosis. The specialist explained that Sadie definitely has some type of Skeletal Dysplasia, that they know for certain, but they aren't able to pinpoint exactly which type she has because she is presenting symptoms for numerous forms.

They are still unable to tell us for sure whether she will survive outside of the womb, but from what they are seeing, if she does, she will not ever have normal leg or arm function and will be wheelchair bound. (This is due to the lack of calcification in the bones of her spine and hips; as well as club foot - the doctor explained that her club foot is so severe that the top of her foot actually touches her shin...y'all this BROKE my heart). As of today, her heart, brains and lungs look normal which is great news, but if her chest growth slows and doesn't form properly her chest will not have room to support her lungs which can be fatal to her.

We left feeling overwhelmed and confused... we were really hoping this CT would provide more clarity and at least allow us to mentally prepare for what we will be facing in the coming months. I will not lie to you and say this is easy y'all. I have cried all day... cried over my girl...cried over how this will affect Grant...cried over the things mean people will say about her. I'm human and I cannot comprehend why this is happening to us or how this could possibly be used for good, but I'm learning to trust without understanding.Drew and I are both mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED but we are leaning on God, each other and your prayers for endurance.

~Jenny